Since I'm already suffering from "Dancing With The Stars" withdrawal, I'm sharing my all time favorite performances with You! Enjoy!

I'm very happy that Brooke Burke won this season. . . but . . . my all time favorite performances are by . . . Cheryl of course.

The Greatest Gift a Mother can receive - copied from Princess Laran's Blog at www.santasmoon.blogspot.com

I Love you Too, Claire. The relationship we share is a very bright light in my life. Thank for the loving words!

From http://www.santasmoon.blogspot.com/

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I'm thinking of turkey, dressing (I don't eat that stuffing inside the turkey, I eat dressing!!), sweet potatoes with melted marshmallows on top, green beans, cranberry sauce, sweet tea and more pie than I can ever eat.

I'm thinking of family. People I haven't seen in a long time whom I will have the pleasure of seeing tomorrow on Thanksgiving. I'm also excited to spend time with my Grandparents, two people I thank God for every morning when I wake-up and every night before I go to sleep.

I'm thinking of all the multitude of things in my life I am thankful for, but at the moment I am focusing on the gratitude I have for my Mother. You see, my Mother is my best friend. I know friends of mine can stay on the phone for hours with girlfriends. I can do that, too, but when I want to chat or have a good, in-depth conversation I always call my Mom. We talk about everything and nothing. We laugh, we have healthy disagreements and we solve the world's problems. Our relationship has grown and blossomed so much since I was a girl. My Mom is strong and sassy, delicate and sweet, larger than life and introverted all at once. She is an enigma that I'm constantly learning about and from. We hold each other accountable and do our best never to lie to one another. I know it's not always the case that girls and their mothers, especially only children and single mothers, should move through all that teenage angst and parental resentment to be truly good friends, be that's what has happened with me and my Mom. I am so grateful for that and I am so blessed to have a best friend who's known me my whole life, knows just about everything about me and loves me unconditionally. I love you, Mom. Thank you for being you and being there for me always.

Thanksgiving . . .

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. — John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Sunday Morning Coming Down . . .

"In the park I saw a daddy,
With a laughin' little girl who he was swingin
And I stopped beside a Sunday school,
And listened to the song they were singin.
Then I headed back for home,
And somewhere far away a lonely bell was ringin
And it echoed through the canyons,
Like the disappearing dreams of yesterday.

On the Sunday morning sidewalk,
Wishing, Lord, that I was stoned
Cos there's something in a Sunday,
Makes a body feel alone." -- Kris Kristofferson

On Sunday morning, November 23, 2008 - Granny Doris took her final breath. Granny fought for her life like no one I've ever seen, her 10 year battle with lung cancer came to a peaceful end.

This picture was taken in November 2007. There she is, front and center with a beavy of blondes behind her, blondes she had a huge impact on. Maybe now I get it, maybe we've all insisted on being "blondes" all these years because we knew better then to step into the arena with her shiny black hair!

Who she was for me - the following was written by me on this blog in May, 2006 . . .

"Granny Doris, the mother of my best friend from elementary school, who is still such a big part of my life. My legs and underarms got saved in her bathtub for the first time, my eyebrows plucked on her black leather couch. Granny Doris is one of the most sensual women I've ever known. While parading around the house late at night (checking to make sure we were alright) in her shortie nighty, she taught me that sex between a man and a woman is a precious experience, never something to be embarrassed or ashamed of. She also taught me that something covered up was far sexier than something exposed for the world to see. Those shortie nighties of her's were always the perfect length to ignite the imagination."

Those were only a few of the valuable lessons I learned from her. She was never short on opinions and never held back on giving instructions. Granny lived life on her own terms and, she left on her own terms also. It would be easy to be troubled by the choice she made, no service, no memorial, no nothing, leaving the rest of us asking "What do we do now?" But, it's just the last time of the many times that Granny told us how it was to be, and none of us would dare to not do it her way! So, we'll all grieve our own separate way and we'll each celebrate all the footprints she left on each and every one of us.

I will always be grateful that she was in my life, and I will miss her always. I Love You Gran. . .

I just keep falling in love with these guys over and over and over again. It doesn't get any better then those green pants and that tapping foot!!!!

No. the person that took this photo did not "cut" the top of Brett's head off, his brain is just too big to fit in the picture!

The Dallas Carman Family - Tiffany, Jace, Brett, Paris and Alexis

So, I'm instant messaging with my x-step-son, Brett on Friday, casually he mentions that he writes part of a blog for Trump University. What, you write and You get paid to write! I go read the blog http://www.trumpuniversity.com/blog/index.cfm. Oh my, he not only writes, he's good at it and he's smart too!

When I married Laran's father, I was blessed to acquire 2 step-children, Brett and Shelly. I love them madly. Their mother, my x-wife-in-law was very generous and gracious about sharing them with me! Brett and Shelly spent a considerable amount of time with me and Larry and even time with me at times when Larry was no where around. . .

As everyone knows, I love to read and write; writing is a very big part of Laran's life; I'm not aware of my x-wife-in-law having an affection for writing; so, I'm going to take credit for my x-step-son's writing and even a part of his great brain!!! He, He, Ho, Ho! I'm quite sure it was my influence that made him want to write and my influence that made him so good at it!

Great Job Brett Lane! I'm proud to be your Spicy, X-Step-Mother! And, I'm also thrilled that I was such a big influence on You, you are a marvelous person! He, He.

I love you Brett Lane, and your sisters too!

P. S. You also have a great looking family!

Berries Popping Up Everywhere!

It's berry time everywhere I go, and I'll love and appreciate each and every one! But, my own little crop of blueberries will always be the most special to me!!!

The dichotomy of being human . . .

From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done
There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

It's the Circle of Life

And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle

The Circle of Life

-- Sir Elton John

Being more Joyful and Grateful then I've been in a very long time, thanks to my Precious Princess Daughter and her Prince, I received a phone call last night that made me sadder then just about anything has in a very long time. The friend I've had the longest called to tell me that her mother, one of the the mothers I've valued most in my life, is losing her fight. Granny Doris has been fighting cancer for a very long time and has fought more and lived better during the fight then most ever would or could. In that conversation, my friend also told me that she is dealing with her own health issues that she is choosing to ignore until Granny Doris' struggle comes to an end. That made me very angry. So, there I was Joyful, Sad and Angry all at the same time. My friend expressing her depression over all that and other things in her life and me struggling with where do I go to in some small way make her world a little brighter!

There it is, a little Blueberry on the way, I shared that with her and suddenly, my friend's tears and depression disappeared, she's squealing with Joy on the phone!

It's the Cycle of Life.

There we were, laughing and crying, sharing our lives like we have for so long. Of course, if you've ever seen it, you can't go through that without being reminded of a movie that portrays that combo plate of emotions so very well.


Last Night, even I would have like to take a whack at . . .

By the end of the conversation, at a place of being respectful of the life of someone we both love so much and being grateful that we had that life in our lives because of all we learned and now can share with all the future Blueberries we hope to have in our lives, we expressed our love for each other said our goodbyes and ended the call, looking forward to better days.

I love you Granny Doris and I will miss you forever.

Oh and, I love you too Gail Gene!

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crow of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture,
Still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark throughout, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-- Rumi

Thank You God for Blueberries!

Boy, Winston got that right!

Out of intense complexities intense simplicities emerge.

— Winston Churchill

Woke up, fell out of bed, dragged a comb across my head . . . The Beatles

A day in the life . . . my last 24 hours.

Yesterday, the day began with me asking Rufus a question . . . Rufus responded: “I don’t really want to talk about that, I’ve put it behind me. But, here’s a brief summary for you anyway.” (para-phrasing) My sister, a/k/a Rufus, has an ability that I don’t seem to have. Even though I believe she is a seeker of knowledge, her seeking takes on a different context then my seeking. I’m always seeking to understand human behavior, mine and everybody else’s. I’m always looking for the reasons running in the background of human behavior, she’s much better at following Maya Angelou’s advise then I am.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time! -- Maya Angelou

Rufus let’s go of the banana much quicker then me, she’s better at leaving relationships that aren’t working then I am. Even if I leave, mentally, I try to figure out what went wrong and why I needed to leave, why I couldn’t “make” it what I wanted it to be. While still lying on my bed thinking about that conversation and being grateful that even though I had asked her a question about something she didn’t want to talk about, she loves me enough to talk about it anyway. Then, there on my television is Paul Simon being questioned by Diane Sawyer about a new book he has coming out. Strumming his guitar he sings:

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

-- Paul Simon

I think Rufus should adopt that song as her theme song. Diane Sawyer asked Paul Simon what made him write the above song whose title is “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover”. His response made me sit up and really listen because I wasn’t expecting anything close to what he said. He said “I wrote it to teach my little boy about rhymes.” What? I won’t bore you with all the things I thought that song was about, but it sure wasn’t that! And, off on a wandering strand my mind went. Thinking about the stories we tell ourselves and how they run our lives and how those stores usually aren’t anything like the truth.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

-- Albert Einstein

Throughout the rest of the day, I’m working, having a discussion by email with The Princess (about our opinions and feelings about California’s Proposition 8) and helping a friend clean up the results of a past bad time in his life. At one point in my discussion with my friend I said to him “What were you thinking, why didn’t you handle this when it happened?” (Me being all righteous) He said: “I thought if I just ignored it, it would go away.” (My righteousness flees) I said: “Jeez, that’s part of what I did when I was crazy, I thought if I just ignored the things that were happening, it would all just go away but, what really happened is I went away, the person I knew myself to be ceased to exist. I’d always been someone who didn't hesitate to deal with things, someone that knew how to get things done, make things happen, for myself and other. Then, I found myself in a place of NOT dealing with anything, curled up in a ball, wishing the world would go away. But, whatever you need to deal with, doesn’t go away, it just comes back over and over again, if only in your own mind.” (One of my winning formulas shows up - humor) Can you imagine if someone had tattle-tailed on You during the time when you were living with the stress of hiding all that was happening that caused what we are now trying to clean up like YOU tattle-tailed on ME?” Laughter erupted from both of us. Then he says “What year was it that I tattle-tailed on you?” Then we had a discussion around the things that were happening in my life and our relationship at that time. (He tattle-tailed on me because my madness was making him crazy, he needed someone to talk to about it, but he chose the worst person of all to talk to about it and made my life and what I was going through much more difficult and, has regretted it ever since and apologized for it many times).

AND THEN, THE BIGGEST, MOST DAMAGING BREAKDOWN OF THE DAY! My head filled with the time frames of my life, thoughts about leavings, with believing who someone is the first time instead of thinking things will change, thinking about the years of my madness and how it affected me and a whole lot of others. . . The phone rings, another friend calling to chat. Someone I trust, someone that I love and that I believe loves me. The conversation begins and I’m listening to him from a very different place because of the events that had already occurred in the day. And before I know it, something comes falling out of my mouth that I had never thought of before, that I had never said before and suddenly, that one comment started a chain of thought that has changed my life and that relationship forever. Something I didn't see, something so simple to see, a simple reality. Out of nowhere, it’s right there, no way around it.

Love is telling the truth without fear of the consequences.

-- Not sure who said it but I know it's true

Oh no, there really wasn’t any Love in the relationship like I thought there was. It was about self-indulgence, his, wanting what he wanted no matter who it hurt or what it cost them.

People that manipulate, control and dominate do those things because they aren't smart enough to get what they want without manipulating, controlling and dominating. -- a close friend

Time lines are very important in the work I do, I’m very big on time lines, but evidently I ignore them in my personal life. I’ve believed things this person has told me for years, and a whole lot of what he has told me was very, very painful to hear. I’ve even allowed the things he has told me to affect my reactions or non-reactions to situations, his words have affects my emotions and my thought process, all of which I realize I'm responsible for. And, suddenly, because of a little thing we have in our culture called a “calendar” I realize, for the first time, simply because of something I said, that the math doesn’t work. It never entered my mind to think “How could he know that?” I just assumed that he did know and would NEVER tell me hurtful stuff that wasn’t true. It's almost impossible for me to tell anyone something hurtful that is true. I never want to be the one causing pain and even that contributed to my past madness. I assumed the same was true of one and all.

Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.

-- Albert Einstein

It hasn’t been the truth he was speaking, the time line doesn’t allow him to KNOW what he has pretended to know. He was saying what he was saying to, on some level, control me and my actions and reactions. A very selfish, self-indulgent, damaging thing for him to do!!! I NEVER SAW THAT! I just simply believed the things he said, things that I now know he couldn’t have known, he was making stuff up!

Once again I have that feeling of absolute, utter confusion, feeling rattled comes over me. (I’ve had that feeling many times along my road to mental health) I gently and quietly got off the phone without saying a word about what I now know for sure that I had never known before. I thrashed around on my bed for a bit, I drove around in my car for a while, “50 ways to Leave . . .” thoughts in my head, feeling like a idiot, knowing that relationship has forever changed, and grieving, the relationship, the pain that I suffered all these years from believing what I now know couldn’t be true, grieving the love that was never real. Grieving over feeling like I needed the pain. I must have needed that pain to have been so blind. Beating myself up for evidently needing to be beat up by his fiction, so I believed his stories that mathematically couldn’t be true! Grieving over not loving me more!

ALL THE WHILE, MY OWN KARMA KICKING ME RIGHT SQUARE IN THE ASS!!! SO THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE WHEN YOU DISCOVER THAT SOMEONE HAS BEEN PLAYING YOU FOR THEIR OWN SICK, MENTALLY ILL BENEFIT!!! To fill up a hole in their existence with your attention, like me most, don’t like them, I’m better then they are, and I’ll pretend whatever I have to to convince You. I’ll pretend to have what I don’t have, I’ll pretend to be able to do what I don’t know how to do, I’ll pretend to know what I couldn’t possibly know, I’ll just make it up. I’ll run faster, I’ll do more, I’ll be better. I’ll pretend, I’ll pretend, even if it means You suffer the damage of my pretending. Because, I have a hole in me that I’m trying to fill up with YOU!!!! I need to feel important! I need your attention, I need to be needed, I don’t feel whole without YOU! Feeling like I wasn't smart enough to get what I thought I wanted without pretending. I am now and always had been, before me mental illness, smart enough to get what I want. I was suffering from Raging Mental Illness!!!! If You see that in yourself, anywhere, with anyone, and anything, Seek help immediately!!!! That “You Complete me thing is bullshit!” Only You can complete You, another person and stuff and such will never fill you up. I sought help! But obviously my recovery is ongoing. I guess you only see what you see when you are ready to see it.

Living is easy with eyes closed.

-- John Lennon

Out of nowhere a peaceful calm, the realization that my discovery of the day wasn’t near as painful as believing all the fiction all these years has been. I now no longer have to believe the painful fiction. Now I just have to try and forgive myself for believing it in the first place.

A bubble bath, a comfortable bed, sleep, a dream begins in my head. I’m in the kitchen at my Dad’s house, he’s sitting at his desk, leaning back in his chair. I’m telling him about the events of the day and all the sorrow I’m feeling, he’s listening intently as he always did to me. Dad starts talking to me, advising me, consoling me, making it ok that I didn’t see what I should have seen. (I’m sure my engineering father was having a hard time understanding why I didn’t simply do the math! He, He).

Since his death, I’ve talked to my Dad a lot, but last night, in my dream, was the first time I could actually see and hear him talking back. In his gentle, non-intrusive way, without any condemnation for my blindness, Dad told me who I had always been for him, and hearing that was always more than enough for me. A love so complete, so encompassing, so comforting, so forgiving. How could I not forgive myself when he always forgave me even before I needed him to. I love you Daddy, and I know you are with me always. But a special thanks for showing up in my head in such a big way last night when my emotions were so raw and needy.

I WELCOME BIG BREAKDOWNS, BECAUSE ON THE OTHER SIDE IS A BIG BREAKTHROUGH WAITING FOR YOU! You have to let go of something to create the clearing for something brand new.

The important thing is not to stop questioning.

-- Albert Einstein

I have come full circle in this blog, I’ve written about it because I don’t want to talk about it, I’m putting this behind me. Even though I had to eat the banana to get rid of it, it’s now gone.

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

-- Paul Simon

And, in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.

-- The Beatles

Manipulation, control and domination are not about Love. If you are pretending, or if you feel someone else is pretending, get going! There are better ways to live your life!

With Joe, we get Jill . . . and I'm very excited about that and, No, not just because she's a great looking blonde!!!!

Jill Tracy Jacobs Biden (born June 5, 1951^[1]) is an American educator and the next Second Lady of the United States as the wife of Vice President-elect of the United States Joe Biden, who is currently a United States Senator from Delaware.

Early life

Jill Tracy Jacobs was born in Hammonton, New Jersey.^[2] She grew up in Willow Grove, Pennsylvania.^[3] Her father, Donald C. Jacobs (c.1927–1999),^[4] was a bank teller who became head of a savings and loan, while her mother, Bonny Jean Jacobs (c.1930–2008),^[5] was a homemaker;^[6][4] she has four younger sisters.^[5] She began working at age 15, and always intended to have her own career.^[7] She graduated from Upper Moreland High School in 1969.^[8]

Education and career, marriage and family

After Jacobs started college a first time she suspended her studies during a brief first marriage.^[7][9] Subsequently, she returned to college; she met Joe Biden when she was a senior in college in 1975.^[2][7] They met on a blind date with Joe Biden's brother's help though it turned out that Biden had unknowingly fancied her, having seen her in a local advertisement.^[7] She graduated with a Bachelor of Arts from the University of Delaware.^[10] She spent 13 years in public high school teaching English, acting as a reading specialist, and teaching history to emotionally disturbed students.^[7]

Jill Jacobs and Joe Biden were married on June 17, 1977 in New York City, about five years after Joe Biden's first wife and infant daughter died in a car accident.^[11][6] Together they have a daughter Ashley, born June 8, 1981.^[11] Living in Wilmington, Delaware, Jill Biden interrupted her high school teaching career while raising their daughter and his two young sons who survived the accident.^[12] She also worked as a teacher in the adolescent program at the Rockford Center psychiatric hospital in the 1980s.^[6]

In 1987, Biden received a Master of Arts in English from Villanova University.^[6][10] During her husband's 1988 bid for the Presidency, she said she would continue her job of teaching emotionally disturbed children even if she became First Lady.^[13] In 1991, she received a Master of Education with a specialty in reading from West Chester University.^[6][10]

Since 1993, Biden has been an instructor at the Stanton/Wilmington campus of Delaware Technical & Community College.^{[10][9][7][14]} There she teaches English composition and remedial writing, with an emphasis on instilling confidence in students.^[15][9] She has said of teaching at a community college, "I feel like I can make a greater difference in their lives. I just love that population. It just feels really comfortable to me. I love the women who are coming back to school and getting their degrees because they're so focused."^[9]

Biden is the president of the Biden Breast Health Initiative, a non-profit organization begun in 1993 that provides educational breast health awareness programs free of charge to schools and other groups in the state of Delaware.^[16][17] Biden is also involved with Book Buddies, which gives books to low-income children, and Delaware Boots on the Ground, which supports military families.^[15]

She later returned to school for her doctorate, studying under her birth name, Jill Jacobs.^[12] She received a Doctor of Education in educational leadership from the University of Delaware in 2007.^[6][18] Her dissertation Student Retention at the Community College: Meeting Students' Needs was published under the name Jill Jacobs-Biden.^[18]

2008 Presidential campaigns

Following her strong dismay at George W. Bush's reelection in 2004, she urged her husband to run again for President.^[14][9] During Joe Biden's 2008 campaign to be the Democratic nominee, she continued to teach during the week and would join him for campaigning on weekends.^[14] She said that she would have taken an activist role in addressing education as her chief focus of concern as First Lady.^[19] She also said that she was basically apolitical and would not sit in Cabinet meetings.^[14]

Once her husband was selected to be Barack Obama's running mate, she began campaigning again. She wore a Blue Star Mothers Club pin in recognition of Beau Biden's deployment to the Iraq war.^[9] She was not a polished political speaker, but was able to establish connections with the audience.^[9] Throughout the time her husband was running for vice president, Jill Biden continued to teach four days a week at Delaware Technical & Community College during the Fall 2008 semester, and then campaign for him over the long weekend.^[5][9] She would like to continue teaching in some capacity as Second Lady of the United States.^[9]

^{There is a whole lot to like about this Good Looking Blonde!!! Oh my, now a new shade of Blonde to aspire to!}

Go Out and Vote, You will feel Big and Strong!