Santa Came Early!

That's right, Santa visited me a day early, he came yesterday and he brought me a new roommate. Wasn't sure I was ready for this in my life again but, after the last 24 hours, I know I am ready, it's great to have a new companion to love! Here she is, her name is Sunny!!!! I've waited so long to have another Sheltie and now I have one! And She was worth the wait!
Happy Christmas Eve and a very Merry Christmas to one and all. My wish for you for Christmas is . . . Good Cake!

Great Music !

and lot's of . . .
May God Bless and Keep You through this holiday season and throughout the New Year too!

If we only could!

"IT COSTS SO much to be a full human being that there are very few who have the enlightenment or the courage to pay the price. One has to abandon altogether the search for safety and security and reach out to the risk of living with both arms open. One has to embrace the world like a passionate lover. One has to accept pain as a condition of existence. One has to court doubt and darkness as the cost of knowing. One needs a will stubborn in conflict, but apt always to total acceptance of every consequence of living and dying."-- Morris West

Thanks Giving!

Today, I'm giving Thanks and being Grateful for . . .

My Child, my family, my friends, the bed I sleep in, the roof over my head, hot running water, the car that I drive, the work I do, the sun, the sky, the birds, the trees, the grass, the rain, the flowers, the magazines and the books that I read, the music I listen to, my imagination, and my ability to think, smile, laugh and sometimes cry, I give thanks and I'm grateful that I'm alive and I'm Thankful and Grateful that You are You and that I am I!

Happy Thanksgiving one and all!

I love this quote and I love the work of the quoter!

My eyes are on my own life. They are my own private camera. -- Ralph Lauren

Maybe if We All focused a little more on our own lives, instead of the lives of others, we would all be as successful and creative as Ralph Lauren! Even though I am pretty focused on my own life these days, I'm going to follow Ralph Lauren's lead and become even More focused on my own life and the goals I have for my life!

Oh my, I just looked down and realized I'm wearing Ralph Lauren today!

And . . . that possibility is a reality for me!!!!!

There is one consolation in being sick...the possibility that you may recover to a better state than you were ever in before. -- Henry David Thoreau

Quoting

There is only one thing more painful than learning from experience, and that is not learning from experience. — Archibald MacLeish

Question of the Day!

To see with one's own eyes, to feel and choose without succumbing to the suggestive power of the fashion of the day, to be able to express what one has seen and felt in a trim sentence or even in a cunningly wrought word-is that not glorious? Is it not a proper subject for congratulations?
-- Albert Einstein

Have a conversation today with a bird, Bugs or a butterfly!

"Until he extends the circle of his compassion to all living things,man will not himself find peace." ~ Dr. Albert Schweitzer

Ha, ha, he, he, ho ho! Ain't it the truth!!

“You can never get enough of what you do not really want.” -- Eric Hoffer

At all times and under all circumstances, we have the power to transform the quality of our lives. -- Werner Erhard

The above statement was made by a man, Werner Erhard, who is responsible for the technology that was the genesis of my recovery and my transformation. It's a statement that I know to be true, I lived it. When, in the very worst of my darkness, Coco dragged me, screaming and kicking to Landmark Forum, I did, in fact, experience a transformation as a result of attending the Landmark Forum. Unfortunately, being a very sick person at the time, that transformation resulted in my getting sicker still. But, ultimately, that getting sicker resulted in an intervention that, I believe, saved my life. So, today, I choose to celebrate Werner Erhard for giving the gift of transformation to the world, my Coco, who is always willing to try-on something new and Debbie, a fearless warrior who looked past my words and chose action. Thank You!

P. S. If you would like to learn more about Werner Erhard visit www.wernererhard.com maybe you will have a transformation, just from reading more of his words.

Quote for the Day

"We either make ourselves miserable and weak, or we make ourselves healthy and strong. The amount of work is exactly the same. It simply depends on what we choose to see and cultivate." -- Carlos Castaneda

There is no place like home . . .

Last night, I arrived home after spending 5 days on a road trip with my sister, Carlita. It's the only time I can remember the two of us being alone for that length of time. I had a great time, I enjoyed her company, and all things worked in our favor.

The weather was perfect. I learned a lot at the convention we attended. We visited a town I had visited a couple of times before, but only for brief intervals to hear voices sing.

I discovered on this trip that I Love Fort Worth, Texas. And, boy is it Texas! We had dinner with the Princess and her friend, Nicole at a restaurant that's excellent! If you are ever in Fort Worth, be sure and indulge your taste buds at http://www.lonesomedovebistro.com/. Not only is the food delicious, it's a fun place to spend some time.

Even with all the good of the last 5 days, when I arrived home, I plopped down on my bed and simply laid there for almost an hour. Didn't listen to messages or return calls, didn't turn the computer on, just laid on my bed and celebrated being in my own space. For after all is said and done, there is no place like your own home, and I was happy to return to mine!

I'm not sure where this is going, but it is going . . .

First things first, no matter who you are or how you might have played a part in this blog coming into existence, it's not about You, it's about me. You are on your own journey, not my place to judge you, do what you will, feel what you feel! I'm only taking this journey to explore how "hiding" has affected my life and is still affecting my life, and how I feel about that. I'm looking for some answers about where I want to stand on the issue of hiding. Hopefully by the end of this blog, I will have found that wisdom.

hide - verb, hid, hid·den or hid, hid·ing, noun
–verb (used with object)
1. to conceal from sight; prevent from being seen or discovered: Where did she hide her jewels?
2. to obstruct the view of; cover up: The sun was hidden by the clouds.
3. to conceal from knowledge or exposure; keep secret: to hide one's feelings. –verb (used without object)
4. to conceal oneself; lie concealed: He hid in the closet. –noun
5. British. a place of concealment for hunting or observing wildlife; hunting blind. —Verb phrase
6. hide out, to go into or remain in hiding: After breaking out of jail, he hid out in a deserted farmhouse.

Over the last couple of of weeks, "hiding" has been appearing in my life from all directions. My own hiding, the hiding by others, old hiding, new hiding, hiding to protect someone else's feelings, hiding being done to influence someone else, hiding to maintain control, hiding because of a fear of losing something, hiding real feelings to avoid being vulnerable. You name it, it's showing up!

Hiding that's causing fear, hiding that has caused disappointment, hiding that has caused empathy for a loved one, hiding that's still causing anger, hiding real feels which has caused relationships to crash when real feelings could have saved the relationship, only to be left with a basket of regret! Hiding that, even though done to protect, makes me feel like I'm being less than I could be.

So, is hiding ever ok? Is keeping someone else's secrets considered hiding? Is keeping secrets from someone considered hiding? What they don't know won't hurt them? Is it ok to coming out of hiding if the person that agreed to be in a "hiding" pact with you violates that pact, comes out of hiding and uses their coming out to hurt you, all the while protecting theirself from what might happen if you decided to use their hiding against them, like they used your hiding againt You. Is it then ok to come out of that pact and use their hiding against them?

Hiding played a very large part in my complete mental melt down. My own hiding and something being hidden in my brain that began to affect all my thoughts, actions and words. That very same hiding brought out a dark side of me that created reasons to hide, and exposed a part of me that had always chosen to hide. I've worked very, very hard to change that hidden part of me! On most days, in most ways I've been successful in my efforts.

While writing this blog, as so often happens, the answers I already know, showed up. I'm only responsible for Me and my choices, I'm not responsible for You and Your choices, and if you have chosen to share your secrets with me, secrets they will remain, even if you chose or have chosen to violate the trust I have placed in you.

Ahhhhh, HERE IT IS! The wisdom I was looking for when I started writing this blog. I'm going to follow an ancient wisdom that has already helped me on this journey, I just needed something to remind me of it. If hiding is affecting you and making you question, buy the book and read it too and maybe it will help You.

Bringing Ancient Toltec Indian Wisdom to Contemporary Life - The Four Agreements.

Based on ancient Toltec wisdom, the Four Agreements offer a powerful code of conduct that can rapidly transform our lives and our work into a new experience of effectiveness, balance and self supporting behavior.
Everything we do is based on agreements we have made with ourselves. In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, what everyone else is, how to act, what is possible and what is impossible. What we have agreed to believe creates what we experience. When these agreements come from fear, obstacles develop keeping us from realizing our greatest potential.

THE FOUR AGREEMENTS -

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret.

My advise for the day - Don't ever let the mystery of who you are, rest. Stay in the inquiry and those Ahhhhh moments will be your own gift to You!

Wishing You a Four Agreement kind of day!

Whooo, that was close, and even though I'm happy about it, I'm not sure it is fair!

They made it through for atleast one more week, not sure they should have, but they did. Cheryl will dance again.

I'm in "Dancing With The Stars" Hell!

I Love "Dancing With the Stars"!!!!!! As a little girl I wanted to grow up and "be" a professional dancer. I never quite recovered from the affect Juliet Prowse had on me in G. I. Blue! I wanted to grow up, dance like her and walk like her (she had the most amazing posture). I was then and still am a huge dance fan. When I was in high school, my mother spent a lot of her time Ballroom dancing in her beautiful chiffon dresses. As a matter of fact, one of the professionals dancing on this seasons "Dancing with the Stars" is the grandson of an old friend of my mother, Mark Ballis gives Houston a local connection to this season! Nonetheless, Cheryl Burke has joined the ranks of Juliet Prowse for my affections when it comes to dancing, she is the Major reason I love the show so much! I love to watch her dance. I wait through the entire show for Cheryl to take the floor and after she dances, my attention seems to drift a bit, in my opinion no one else compares! Unfortunately, I think she has pulled the black bean this season by being partnered with Wayne Newton. I think my friend, CoCo is correct, he is resting on his laurels and not working as hard as the rest, thinking his celebrity will carry him through. I don't think that is going to happen, I believe he will be eliminated early on, maybe even tonight!!!! That is pure Hell for me, it means Cheryl will be going. I'll have a very difficult time maintaining my interest in the show after her departure, even though I agree, HE needs to go! Maybe she could just show up and dance by herself the rest of the season! Out of loyalty to Her, I did cast some votes for Her! But, for the first time in the history of "Dancing With the Stars", the majority of my votes went to someone else who I believe is giving it his all, I love to see that, so I think he deserves the votes!

Now that I've vented about the biggest trauma going on in my life at the moment, I'll wish you a lovely day and stress the day away being fearful that Cheryl may go tonight!

My First Dancing Love!


My Current Dancing love and THE STAR OF "DANCING WITH THE STARS" AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED!!!!!!!

Great Advice

"Mind Your Own Business.

What others do is really none of your concern or business, unless, of course, they invite you into it and ask for your opinion. Most importantly, however, you have your own life to live well first. You are accountable only to yourself, just as they are accountable only to themselves. It's not your responsibility or job to tell them what to do, to tell them how to do it, or to judge them or criticize them for doing something you don't approve of or not doing what you recommend. When you are minding your own business, then you:

1) Stop meddling in other people's business and start 'intervening' in your own affairs.

2) Stop telling others what they should or shouldn't do and start helping them first identify and then make their own choices.

3) Stop pushing against what others are doing and start paying attention to what you are doing and the outcome of those actions.

4) Stop thinking it's your job to make other people's decisions for them and start paying attention to the resulting experiences that come from the decisions that you are making.

5) Stop gossiping about other people and start spending more time coming to know who they really are and what their lives and dreams and struggles are really about.

6) Stop criticizing and judging what others are doing and start being more loving and accepting of others at all times.

7) Stop holding a grudge about something someone else has done or said and start being more forgiving and understanding.

8) Stop laying a guilt trip on others because of their actions and start paying attention to the impact of your own actions.

9) Stop interfering in other people's lives and start paying more attention to your own life.

When you stop minding another's business, then you will have more time to focus on your own life, which is totally necessary if you want a better life, and, interestingly enough, it's the single most influential thing you can do." -- Carol James

Let's Fly!

"Wanna fly? Then you got to give up the shit that weighs you down." -- Toni Morrison

A blog stolen from the Princess Blog, and Yes I'm still learning!

Ashley, Jen, Princess Laran and Lauren

Thursday, September 20, 2007

"In youth we learn; in age we understand."
— Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach

I like this quote and the idea behind it, but I wonder if this is really true. I know for sure that after a nice, long conversation with my Mom and Grandmother (Baba) while in Houston over Labor Day that they are at different points in their learning and understanding. Mom being 55 and Baba being just shy of 86, you can probably guess that each had their own take on life, love and the pursuit of happiness. I think my Mom understands a lot, but she also admits to continuing to learn things about people, about the world and about herself. I respect the fact that my Mom doesn't pretend to know and understand it all. What I learned from Mom on this trip:

-Love and friendship are great, an integral part of marriage, but sex and attraction is equally as important.

-Every day we wake-up and we have choices. It's what we do with those choices that shapes our lives.

-One of the most important relationships is the one we have with our parents/parental figures.

-You have more resilience than you could ever imagine.

My Baba, on the other hand, is not a 'know it all,' but I get the sense that she just understands the things about her life that the rest of us are still learning a little deeper than anyone can who hasn't lived as long. She doesn't get bogged down in the little things of life, like I tend to do, she just knows a few, simple, yet crucial things about life that she understands deeply and holds strong to and that's it. From my talks with her alone, I learned:

-A woman can never have too many pairs of shoes, even at 86.

-Jewelry, hand bags and a new outfit will always bring a smile to a woman's face and a grumpiness to a man's voice.

-Being desired by a man is always nice.

-Baba originated, and still holds to the mantra, "Always keep a little for yourself..." (I just thought that my Mom coined the phrase!!)

-Giving to others is one of the most blessed things in life.

I can say the same for my Grandfather (Gege), who Baba and I talked with later after the Mom and Baba conversations. Baba and Gege don't really question certain things, like their marriage, their faith, their life situation, their past. They understand that what you worry about all your life, or live all your years learning about, comes down to a few simple beliefs, in no particular order, that I was able to glean from this conversation with my Baba and Gege:

-Enjoy life as much as you can, and know that you can't change those around you, only yourself.

-Be faithful to God, family and self.

-Friendship and love are to be cherished, no matter your age.

-You're going to screw up, people around you are going to screw up--deal with it, learn from it, try to do better/be better next time and move on.

-Don't dwell on the past, you can't change it, you can only change how you let it affect you.

-Work hard, play hard. Save for retirement, but don't ever really "retire."

-Pay your taxes.

-You have more resilience than you could ever imagine.

So, I guess Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach is right. We spend all of our younger years learning what we can only hope to understand as we grow older and wiser. I am lucky that I have grandparents and a mother who try to teach me all that they already understand in such a loving way. But, as is the way of children/grandchildren, there are plenty of things I am just going to have to learn on my own that I can, hopefully, try to teach my children and grandchildren one day.

The "perfect" description of my "perfect weekend!

How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterward.

— Spanish proverb

"la, la, la, la Life Goes On"

Back in 2002, while trying to recover from a complete mental breakdown, I started writing a book as part of my therapy. Upon the suggestion of friends, I've decided to complete the book and publish it in the hopes of helping others struggling through life events that have nothing to do with addiction. I'll keep you posted on the release date of my book.

Also, Don't be left out, order your advance copy of this book Now at http://www.amazon.com/! I'm sure the "updates" will be an interesting read!

An inspiration in more ways then one.

It's amazing how things show up in your life that "You Think" have shown up for you to share with another, only to discovery what a difference it ends up making in your own life. This weekend's journey began a couple of years ago while driving across town with one of the Gary's in my life. Our conversation that day was centered around making changes in our lives, changes that would bring laughter, love and relief from the pain of the disasters we had both caused in our own lives over the last few years. During that ride, I was reminded of a song that I had heard on the radio by an artist that I had never really been a fan of but, I loved the song and it seemed to be the perfect anthem for our journey of mutual healing. I insisted that Gary drive us to the nearest Best Buy so we could buy the CD. I wanted him to hear that song! In keeping with the way all the "Gary's" in my life treat me, within minutes I was at Best Buy! We bought the CD, raced back to the car, put it on, reclined our seats and listened with our whole hearts! The song is "I Want to Know What Love is" by Wynonna Judd.

Friday morning, another one of the "Gary's" in my life came to pick me up with a picnic lunch in the car and we headed to Lake Charles, Louisiana to see Wynonna in the flesh, I wanted to hear that song up close and personal!

The stage lights went to black, the show is starting, you couldn't see anyone on the stage and then, that voice begins to sing, slowly a single spotlight begins to lite her. And then there she is with her flaming red hair and bigger then big voice. What happened to me emotionally during her show was amazing and also pretty big. All I could think was "how could she be standing up there singing like that with all that she's going through in her life and, if she can do this, I can do anything!" A couple of times, as she would begin a song, the tears popped up in her eyes and you could see her fight her way through it! When the music began of the song that I had come to hear, my tears popped up and, for the first time in a very long time, I let them flow! Tears for the disasters, mine and tears for the disasters of my friend, Gary. There I was surrounded by strangers, allowing my own tears to flow, it's almost impossible for me to do that in safe company. It felt wonderful, the woman sitting next to me reached over, patted me on the arm and smiled, as if to say "I know, I know"! There's something to be said for the kindness of strangers. Wynonna took me full-circle in a little over an hour, by the end of the show, like everyone else, I was on my feet dancing and applauding and feeling freer than I have in a very long time! The talent that was on that stage is huge, the voice is majestic and her presence is full of grace and humility. A class act for sure.

Over the weekend, Gary fed me well, bought my cigarettes, entertained me with gentle, loving care and bought me a surprise, a beautiful leather wallet that he felt I needed because mine had seen it's better days. Very interesting, since the one he was replacing was bought years ago by someone else that has a place in my heart.

When I arrived home, I got a call from a "Gary" wanting to know all about my trip and Wynonna's show. And then, this morning the "Gary" that started this Wynonna Journey years ago, called, "how was she, did she sing our song?" Yep she did!

Thanks Wy for being such an inspiration and for being an inspirational part of my journey! If that flaming Redhead of Your's can do that, this Blonde head of mine can do anything, no matter what shade of Blonde it happens to be at the moment!

A very Big Thanks to all My Gary's for loving me so much and showing it! You make me feel very loved! That's a wonderful gift, because the truth is "I Want To Know What Love Is." Thanks for showing me.

Thought for the Day!

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."

— Mahatma Gandhi

Three Things In Life

Three things in life that, once gone, never come back -
1. Time
2. Words
3. Opportunity

Three things in life that can destroy a person -
1. Anger
2. Pride
3. Unforgiveness

Three things in life that you should never lose -
1. Hope
2. Peace
3. Honesty

Three things in life that are most valuable -
1. Love
2. Family & Friends
3. Kindness

Three things in life that are never certain -
1. Fortune
2. Success
3. Dreams

Three things that make a person -
1. Commitment
2. Sincerity
3. Hard work

I'll say!

"He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass.
— George Herbert

This blog has been a "work in progress" Celebrating the originals!

It is often said that "Imitation is the purest form of flattery." And that may well be, but it has also been said that "Imitation" never rises to a level of greatness! I know that's true for sure! If you can't come up with your own, better to leave it alone!

I've always taken pleasure in being a maverick, never really followed the crowd, no matter what crowd it was. Part of a "group", nope, close, intimate friends that don't cluster is more my style. On this rollercoaster of a week that my family has been on, the lows have been pretty scary, but we've also shared some laughs, more than a few tears and some outright screaming by one or two of us, (including me, of course, I'm just one of the screamers in my family)! I began this day (Wednesday) writing about what the tears and fears were being caused by, but after reading my Princess Daughter's blog (Tuesday), I was so inspired by the Original Creation that she is, I started thinking about all the Originals that showed up to share the tears, the fears and the laughter of this week, and I want to celebrate them here!

A Celebration of Originals

My father is a part of every moment of my life, he is always very near, in moments of fear, sadness and joy, I feel him in my heart and soul. An original's original. He once gave me a poem to encourage the "Original" he had always seen in Me! Here it is!

Live each day to the fullest
Get the most from each hour
Each day
and each age of your life
then you can look forward
with confidence
and back without regrets

Be Yourself - but be your best self

Dare to be different,
and to follow your own star
and don't be afraid to be happy
enjoy what is beautiful

Love with all your heart and soul
believe that those you love, love you

When you are faced with a decision
Make that decision as wisely as possible
then forget it
the moment of absolute certainty
never arrives
and above all remember that

God Helps Those Who Help Themselves
Act as if everthing depended upon you
and pray as if everthing depends upon God!

Thanks Daddy, I'll do it!

My Mother a/k/a Baba! An original for sure! A drama queen, a spinner of yarns. And, like a lot of mother/daughter relationships, a difficult relationship for me. I watched my Mother sit in a chair all day on Monday, barely moving a muscle, very unusual for my Mother, at 85, she's the livest wire that I know. Once she felt like the danger had passed, she was off and running, once again, causing drama in her wake. My Mother has always lived her life in an original place, all her own, and I can't even come close to understanding that place. While having dinner with her last night (Friday) she decided to "tell me" the story I was "telling her." I guess she had been in my hip pocket and I just didn't know it!

My sister, Carlita, struggling herself, to re-gain her health, after surviving major surgery a month ago that involved having a very large part of her stomach removed. Standing in the sunlight gazing into her eyes this morning (Wednesday), I realized that she not only has Daddy's stomach, which has caused her pain most of her life, she has alot of his good stuff too, a beautiful voice, a talent for piano playing, his intelligence and, she has Daddy's gorgeous blue eyes. Sophisticated, Classy, Intelligent and her own person for sure. A delightful blend of Mother, Daddy and her unique self!

My brother, Edward. Solid, consistent, determined, kind, generous, cute as a button, it wouldn't be possible for me to love him anymore than I already do. One of my heroes, I wouldn't have made it through the way I made it through without him. Edward on the West Coast waiting, calling for reports, ready to do whatever needed to be done at a moments notice.

My brother Gary, boy, talk about original. Tall, blond, blue-eyed, joke telling, dancing, gambling monster. One of the most tender-hearted people I know. Unfortunately, like me, but even more than me, he protects his heart when he shouldn't. We share the same taste when it comes to dressing ourselves, I wonder how many of you will get that.

My blended sister, Penny, just one of the gifts I'm grateful that my step-father brought with him all those many years ago. Exotic, legs up to her shoulders, beautiful skin, a style all her own, that's nothing like any of the rest of us. A brown-eyed girl. And, the sweetest of the bunch.

My blended sister, Pamelita. The sharer of my secrets, more like me then any of the rest and so very different from me at the same time. Tall, gorgeous, a head turner, classy, cool, intelligent. A green-eyed monster, like me. "Green-eyed lady, lovely lady!" One of the great loves of my life. She's been through it all with me and had the guts to refuse to condone a lot of it. One of the bravest people I've ever known, and she's not like anyone else I've ever known. Thank you Pamela for stepping up to the plate this week and being there for my Mother!!!

My blended brother, Paul. What to say about that original? Independent, funny, fun, sensitive, outgoing. Tall, handsome, amazing blue eyes. Chooses to live elsewhere, but always shows up when he needs to! And, he had the good sense to marry a wonderful woman, who is also an original!

My Precious Princess Daughter, the one that started this ball rolling. Tall, beautiful, blond, green-eyed, cool, classy, brilliant, perfection thru and thru! While going through a very big event in her life, I was struggling through her beloved GeGe being admitted to the hospital. She called me with her big news (see www.santasmoon.blogspot.com) another dream of her's that has come true. I couldn't bring myself to tell her about her GeGe, so I didn't. Of course, over the weekend, she discovered what I hadn't told her and Thank God, she understood why I hadn't told her. "Mom, I coming home!" "No, you aren't! GeGe wouldn't want you to see him like this! You need to wait until he's better and at home so you can actually spend some time with him." "But Mom, I feel like a loser for not being there!" "You aren't a loser, no one thinks you 're a loser, everyone in the family loves, respects and admires you! No one would want you to be here seeing GeGe like this! We are all struggling enough already, don't make it worse by showing up and making us worry about Your reaction also." "Ok, Mom." And, while trying to celebrate her own very large news, she's called her Baba everyday, she's called me everyday, more concerned about her Gege then she's been about celebrating herself. You are a very good Princess, my lovely! Congratulations on your new career move! Thank you for bringing Peruna into my life once again, I was worried about you graduating with your Masters in the Spring and me not having access to Peruna. Thanks for taking my worry away! I love that pony!

And last, but certainly not least! The original that brought so many wonderful originals into my life, a man that has made a big difference in my life and an even bigger difference in the life of my Princess Daughter! Tall, handsome, a snappy dresser! A good man, quiet, still, constant! You've pulled through your second open heart surgery and now we all have many good years to look forward to! Thank you for that! I was honored and privileged to hold your hand, bow my head and pray for your safe journey with you and so many other originals that I love so much. God has blessed us all by giving us some more years with You! I love you Geg, I can't wait until you're strong enough to argue!

In the final analysis, I guess my Mother, that I struggle with so much, really does have it all going on. She's responsible for most of these originals being in my life, what a gift she has given me by choosing so very well. Ok, Mom, I'll give you a break as my way of saying thanks. I won't hold you accountable for anything until at least Monday! I love you!

To all the Originals mentioned above, I salute You and I Love You! Thank you for being courageous enough to be an Original and for Not settling for Imitation! I celebrate the Greatness of each of You!

P.S. To CV and Thumper. Thank you for being so present in my life this week. Your calls, good wishes and prayers for me and my family meant so much coming from two very special Originals!

A Celebration of "Freedom"

And I jumped on that freedom, grabbed it around the neck, flung it around in raw, crazy emotion and then hugged it tightly to myself so as to make it a part of my being.

Freedom - we may think we have it because there are no visible chains and no obvious mental control, but freedom is something we feel in our hearts. I know because today my heart soars unbound and overjoyed!!

-Laran O'Neill

I second that Motion Rufus!

http://www.from-rufus.blogspot.com/

Ok! I'll do my best!

"Finish every day and be done with it . . . You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it . . . serenely, and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Quoting, of cours.

"It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble and fall, there lies your true treasure." -- Joseph Campbell

Oh so very true!

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. — Nelson Mandela

Happy 4th

"Fake coolness might help in your navigation among and negotiation with people throughout the world, maybe, but it is impossible to meet God with your sunglasses on. It is impossible to meet God without total abandon, without exposing yourself, without being raw and real ... you don't know what's going on behind those glasses half the time, but God, I can assure you, always does." -- Bono

Catching Up!

The Princess and her Prince were in town this past weekend. Friday was a day by the pool and dinner at her Dad's. Here they are Dad and daughter, enjoying some fun in the sun. Hey Larry, have another burger! Oh, and, have you seen that commercial about the guy "striking out" because of his gray hair? I realize life is good, but now really!
The Princess (with her new short hair, which looks adorable on her) and her let's hug sister, Shelly!

Saturday, big southern breakfast at Mom's, Saturday night, a progressive dinner, me and the Princess and her Prince, Tony Madola's to start and on to Vincent's for the main course. Sunday a delicious southern lunch at Mom's and then . . . the Princess and her Prince headed back to their castle in Big D. It was a wonderful weekend!!!!!!! Lot's of Hugs, Kisses and Smiles all around. Oh and, The Princess brought me a couple of books to read, I read the first one "Same Kind of Different as Me" very quickly, and I have to say, it was one of the best books I've ever read. It so gracefully pointed out how we and me so often get it so terribly wrong! A book I think everyone should read at least once and maybe even three or four times, good reminders never hurt! Thanks Princess, that book popped me right between the eyes, and I think I needed a pop! And, of course, as always, when it comes to You, graceful showed up!

A Note to the Princess:

You look marvelous! I love the new do, and your style is impeccable. I don't know how you do it, but you just keep getting better and better! And, I'm so happy that you don't deny yourself handpainted shoes!

Blogging Memories!

The "Princess" in her "Tea Hat"

And, the Princess with a "Spicy Bag" to call her own!

In April, shortly before my previous computer decided to retire, we celebrated the birthday of The Princess with the annual "Honouring the Princess Tea"! The tea was held at a very cute little tea room in Plano, Texas, the stomping grounds of previous generations of our family. (My father graduated from Plano High School). It was a great day for all, good food, good friends, good tea and very good geography (it felt like we were right at home)!

A couple of good quotes!

"The sage seeks freedom from all desire. He does not collect precious things. He learns not to hold on to grand ideas. He continually brings men back to what they have lost."

-- Lao Tzu

"A passion for learning is the beginning of true wealth. It is also the beginning of good health. It is also the beginning of real spirituality."

-- Jim Rohn

And then there's the coolest of the cool!

Now this is for sure true!

"It is wise to direct your anger towards problems - not people; to focus your energies on answers - not excuses. — William Arthur Ward

Doesn't Every Princess have an umbrella to match her Prom Dress?

Clang, Clang, Clang went the trolley . . . Ring, ring, ring went the bell, zing, zing, zing went my heart strings!

I woke up this morning, as I so often do, thinking about my Princess Daughter. Are you wondering why that song would start playing in my head when thinking about my her? Well, because, it was the very first time I saw her take something on that she wanted and work like crazy to get it. Here's the story. Laran was in the 10th grade, crazy high school years, trying out for "officer" of the dance team, a very coveted position. The criteria for tryouts was to dance an original dance, created on your own to the music of your choice, an interview by a panel of judges and to create and dance a dance to 8 counts of a song chosen by the dance director, with the props also chosen by the director. Night after night, I was in captivity in my room (I wasn't allowed to watch her process) while Laran turned the dining room into a dance studio. If I heard that song once, I heard it a thousand times (she only had 3 days to perfect those clang, clang, clangs, Thank God many more clangs and I would have been clanging myself in the head). I wasn't worried about her original dance and certainly not her interview, but that Clang, Clang, Clang thing?????? How is she going to dance to that song? Laran wasn't the strongest dancer on the team and probably not the best politician (something required to be really good in that kind of interview setting), but I knew she would be ok with those things. But what about that clang, clang, clang thing and those props! The day of the tryouts, the only people allowed in the room were the dancers, the judges and the director. The mothers were gathered outside in the courtyard, pacing, chain smoking and wringing their hand. As if trying out wasn’t enough to deal with, all the girls trying out were close friends and there were only 3 spots, some were not going to make it! The horror, the horror! As each girl finished her interview, dance and the 8 count clang, clang, clang, they had to leave the tryout room. Girls that I knew to be either stronger dancers or better politicians then Laran were coming out of that room either throwing up in the bushes or crying their eyes out. The stress of it all completely destroying them. Making it or not making it would determine how the next year looked for them. I'm wringing my hands, thinking to myself, oh my gosh, if these girls are throwing up and crying, Laran will have to be hospitalized (she had been living on Pepto Bismol for weeks, poor thing, she has my Daddy’s tummy, her stress lands there)!
Then it happened, out she came, bag casually thrown over her shoulder, head held high, a smile on her face. I'm looking at her in complete amazement, she was the very picture of Grace and Poise!!!! It's one of the few times my child actually rendered me speechless. I looked at her with a questioning look on my face and she said "I worked as hard as I could, I did the best I could do and that's all that I can do! If I make it great, if I don't, I'll be ok with it because I know I did my best!" Since that day, whenever I know she's facing a tough time or trying to get somewhere she wants to go, or when she has lot's on her plate, or her mother's calling asking her to "be" there for someone else, I see her coming out of that door, bag casually thrown over her shoulder, head held high, the picture of Grace and Poise. And, in my head, I hear, Clang, clang, clang with the trolley . . . because I know that whatever it is, she will get through it with Grace and Poise!

Are you wondering if she was one of the three that “made it”? Absolutely she was! And, I was the MC at the Presentation Banquet that year. Open the envelope please! I had to stand in front of all those girls and all those parents and announce who had made it, without being totally sure that she had. I announced her name and presented her with her Officer Bar!

Zing, Zing, Zing go my heart strings everytime I think about the Princess and her Poise and Grace! The Princess has always given me a reason to believe in Serendipity! Thank you Princess for always being my special Grace!

I listened. . .

I had a rousing conversation with my sister, Rufus, over the weekend. One in which we, at times, had to simply agree to disagree. Being so much alike yet so very different, sometimes the conversations we have, that reveal our differences leave us both at a place of "is it possible that we could feel so different and love each other so much?" Absolutely! Not long after that phone conversation ended, I got another call from her, telling me how she was going to spend the rest of her day, she said, "Before I do this, I need to know if we are ok?" My response, "Absolutely, I'm right, you're wrong, it's all good!" She laughed, I laughed, we hung up and we went on with our day, loving each other all the more!

It's truly never about the "fight" for me, it's about the "inquiry" which sometimes causes fiery words from me and others. Even with "fiery" words, detaching from those that are in the inquiry isn't an option, detaching from those that are in the "fight" is sometimes the only answer!

"Those that fight, can't ever seem to listen; those that listen, don't ever need to fight."
-- Fritz Perls

It's a miraculous ride we're on Rufus and . . . I Love You Madly!

Choose!

"We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them. — Kahlil Gibran

6:00 am, Paradise Cafe

In the depths of winter I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Fly Away

I have a friend, whom I love very much who does have a tendency to "Fly Away". I, on the other hand, have a tendency to stomp my foot and leave! The result is the same from both actions, people are left with anger, sadness, confusion and disappointment! Not to mention the fact that when the urge hits to "Fly Away" or stomp your foot and leave, if you do either one, you will miss the lesson that's available to you if you stay!

The chorus of Tim McGraw's new song.....Last Dollar (Fly Away)

And 1..2..3
Like a bird I sing
Cause you've given me
The most beautiful set of wings
And I'm so glad you're here today
Cause tomorrow I might have to go and fly away


I'm never going to let you go again my friend! Thanks for sending me this, you do have a beautiful set of wings, but I am glad you are here today, to fly with me!

Understanding Myself!

I've never been a person that is short on extending forgiveness to others, but, I've always had a difficult time forgiving myself. It's that thing of "what if", what if I'd done this, what if I'd done that! There is no forgiveness for yourself in the re-living of the choices, even if it's just in your own head. Forgiveness is only available for yourself or to extend to others, if you accept what's so! Accepting what's so, and making different choices in the present and the future, creates a clearing for new possibilities. The possibility of a "new and different" kind of chaos, the goal to always be, to learn something from the chaos. At some point, in any chaos, if you have "looked" for and "learned" from the chaos, new chaos actually looks inviting! Here's to new chaos! My stand in the new chaos, to be compassionate, understanding, non-judgemental, and loving, to myself first and to all others, I know that will produce the best and most effective results.

Substance!

"Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow."

Aesop, in The Dog and the ShadowGreek slave & fable author (620 BC - 560 BC)

Rufus Rants . . . and I don't blame her!

Beliefs: For Sale

After reading my sister's blog www.from-rufus.com, all kinds of things popped for me! I attended one of the meetings she's talking about with her once! Looking around the table and understanding what my sister has been through all the years that she has attended those meeting ALONE, I felt the intimidation and more then a little shameful that I hadn't availed myself to attending those meeting with her in the past, she certainly could have used an advocate. I have rarely felt that intimidated and silently, in my own head, was outraged at the thought that here we were, my sister, her son and myself, being outnumbered, threatened, intimidated and being told what they felt was best for her son by people that are paid with OUR TAX DOLLARS!!!!! The feeling was that they were there to do what was best for the school district, not what was necessarily best for my nephew. I felt compelled to take that intimidation on, and as is so often the way I deal with things, my mouth would not stay shut! My sister will probably never ask me to go to one of those meetings with her again. I came away with a new respect and admiration for my sister that day, and a new understanding of the very difficult road she had and still is walking. I salute you Rufus, I couldn't have gone through all you have gone through with the Grace you have displayed. Being my authentic self, I would have bombed the building years ago!

While thinking about all of that, the realizations started coming fast and furious, mostly having to do with rules and boundaries. It's terrible to be in a position of others telling you what the rules and boundaries are about the most important thing to any mother, her child! Feeling compromised on that level is more painful and fear inducing then I have the words to explain. It also popped up that agreeing to live by what some else tells you the rules and boundaries have to be in order to accommodate their fears, is fear inducing in it's self! It's feels wrong, it leaves you with a feeling of being less than authentic and in a place of questioning your own integrity!

When you have been through a time in your life when you have totally lost touch with all the rules and boundaries that have made your life work for you your entire life, it's a long process to re-establish your own rules and boundaries in your mind and, the hardest part of all, to then begin again to live by them! What attending that meeting with my sister did, and the memory her blog brought up again for me is, Fear. Fear is what causes each and everyone of us to not live by the rules and boundaries that we know are right and good for us. The fear of losing something, the fear of not looking good, the fear of making someone angry! The dictionary defines fear as:

fear: –noun
1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.
3. concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety.
4.reverential awe, esp. toward God.
5.that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid: Cancer is a common fear. –verb (used with object)
6.to regard with fear; be afraid of.

I've lived most of my life being totally fearless! Believing I could handle anything that came my way. Right up until the time that I became fearful of everything, my own actions, the actions of others, the phone or doorbell ringing, fear of what I was going to say, or what others might say.

What I've learned today, living by your OWN rules and boundaries is what creates fearlessness. I read something a while back, written by someone else about what they have learned, I've deleted the ones I don't feel I've learned (I probably need to work on the ones I've deleted in order to learn them) and I've added my comments to the ones I have learned about what else I have learned. Here it is:

I've Learned

I'VE LEARNED that you cannot make someone love you or act a certain way to prove it to you. All you can do is be someone who is loving and can be loved. The rest is up to them. (How can anyone love you if you aren't being who you really are? Being true to your own rules and boundaries is the only way to be who you truly are!)

I'VE LEARNED that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.

I'VE LEARNED that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.

I'VE LEARNED that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better know something important and useful. (During my dark days, someone said to me "You are the most charming and endearing liar I've ever known! How's that for a compliment? Thanks DCM for holding my mouth accountable and for thinking I'm charming and endearing!)

I'VE LEARNED that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do. (I've learned that doing your best is sometimes intimidating to others, but that's no reason not to do your best, their feelings of intimidation are about their baggage.)

I'VE LEARNED that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it that matters.

I'VE LEARNED that you can do something in an instant that will give you a heartache for life.

I'VE LEARNED that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides. (I've learned that some people aren't interested in both sides, they only want to hear the side that suits their own needs.)

I'VE LEARNED that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be and who God made me to be, and that those are the same things.

I'VE LEARNED that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think carefully.

I'VE LEARNED that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I'VE LEARNED that you can keep going long, l o n g , L O O O O O O N G after you think you can't.

I'VE LEARNED that we are responsible for what we think, do, and say, no matter how we feel.

I'VE LEARNED that either you control your attitude or it controls your whole life.

I'VE LEARNED that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else more meaningful to take its place.

I'VE LEARNED that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of their fear or any possible consequences. (I've learned that some people have a distorted view of what a "hero" is! I've learned that you don't become a hero by doing for others what they can do for theirself. I've learned that doing for others what they can do theirselves is co-dependency, not helping, it's about thinking they are more important and have more value then you do, and you are, therefore willing to do what they can be do theirselves. I've learned that no one really values work you do for free or money you give away, they just think you have no life, need something to do, want to be liked, and are therefore willing to pay to be liked or avoid boredom by spending your money or by giving your time away. I've learned that there are those that will always take what you are willing to give but that when you have nothing left to give, they will be angry and probably, gone.)

I'VE LEARNED that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it in ways that are meaningful or preferable to you. (I've learned that I've been loved by many, I've been shown that love in the best way they knew how to show their love, I just wasn't any good at receiving it! I'm working on being better at receiving, to bad I didn't get that message for myself with that Valentine Basket episode!)

I'VE LEARNED that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I'VE LEARNED that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down may be the ones to help you get back up.

I'VE LEARNED that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, to feel and express my anger, but that never gives me the right to be cruel and harsh.

I'VE LEARNED that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance and the longest time. Same goes for true love.

I'VE LEARNED that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I'VE LEARNED that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated or how much you've accomplished or accumulated.

I'VE LEARNED that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't always biological. (Thanks Coco!)

I'VE LEARNED that it's possible to feel a stronger "family" connection to a step-sibling then to your biological siblings.

I'VE LEARNED that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself. (I've learned that forgiveness of yourself is sometimes much harder then getting forgiveness from others.)

I'VE LEARNED that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. (I've learned that even when you stop your own world because of depression and grief, the rest of the world goes on, but you don't!)

I'VE LEARNED that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we ultimately become.

I'VE LEARNED that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I'VE LEARNED that we show who we are by our actions.

I'VE LEARNED that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I'VE LEARNED that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I'VE LEARNED that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I'VE LEARNED that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt, sometimes by you, and you will hurt a great deal in the process.

I'VE LEARNED that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves, get further in life. (My point exactly!)

I'VE LEARNED that many things can be powered by the mind, the trick is first self-control, then self-surrender.

I'VE LEARNED that no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most.

I'VE LEARNED that your life can be changed in a matter of hours, by people who don't even know you. (I've learned that sometimes, when that happens, it's not really about You, it's about something going on with the person that doesn't even know you!)

I'VE LEARNED that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I'VE LEARNED that the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us. (Choose!)

I'VE LEARNED that credentials on the wall, adulation and the cheering of a crowd do not make you a decent human being.

I'VE LEARNED that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.

I'VE LEARNED that although the word "love" can have many different meanings, it loses value when overly used.

I'VE LEARNED that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.

I'VE LEARNED that no matter how fast or how far you go, you can't outrun God.

I'VE LEARNED that no matter how far away I've been, He'll always welcome me back. (I've learned that True Friends will always welcome you back also!)

I'VE LEARNED that love is not for me to keep, but to pass on to the next person I see.

I'VE LEARNED that even if you do the right thing for the wrong reason, it's still the wrong thing to do.

I'VE LEARNED what the saying "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions means." Good intentions aren't enough, good action is required.

I'VE LEARNED that WRITING, as well as talking can ease emotional pain!

And the best part of all . . . I AM STILL LEARNING

As the dawn breaks . . .

Like most days in the last few years, it's 4:00 am and I'm awake and ready to start the day! Being an early riser isn't something that has always existed in my life, it showed up a few years ago when sleeping was something I didn't do much of. I now sleep like a baby, but the early rising has stayed with me. And I'm very happy that it has.

Years ago, a friend of mine lost someone very close to her, for months and months afterwards, she would wake up in a deep dark depression. I didn't get that at all, why would you wake up depressed, the dawning of a new day is the opportunity to "do things better, make things right." I didn't get that right up until the day that I lost my Daddy, suddenly, like my friend, I would wake up terribly depressed, unable to see any possibility in the day. Desperate to understand why that fog of depression was hanging over me in the mornings, I thought about it, I talked about it, I tried to ignore it, I punched at it, I smiled at it, I cried about it! I finally realized, when you've lost someone who is a piece of your heart and soul, your world will forever be tilted, there's no possibility of "doing things better, making things right" with that person, you have to figure out how to right your world without them. That piece of your heart and soul is simply gone, and it's depressing, until the fog of lose burns off and you are left with the Sunlight of the good memories and The Shadow of the Smile that meant so much!

Being a person who hears music in my head all the time, music is where I find comfort. My all time favorite songs come to mind when I think about those that I love, and clearing the fog that use to overtakes my wakings. The song that plays in my heart and head in the early morning when I think about my Daddy. "The Shadow of Your Smile." There is a line in that song that says "The Shadow of Your Smile, when you are gone, will color all my dreams and light the dawn . . ." In my opinion, no one has ever sung that song better than John Gary, not even the voice in my own head. Of all the voices in the world, John Gary's voice was the one voice that all the generations of my family had the biggest appreciation for. My mother was a fan, my sister Carlita and her daughter are fans, Rufus and her mother were fans, and I'm a fan. John Gary sang at my nieces wedding reception years ago, and after his show, The Princess spent the rest of the night, being carried around on his hip. The Princess was only 3 years old at time, dressed up in her flower girl dress, John Gary thought she was prettiest girl in the room, and he carried her around all night. The picture of John Gary holding the The Princess in his arms and dancing across the floor is one of my favorites, the Princess is probably a fan also! That might have been her first dance!

I had a wonderful relationship with my Daddy. I only have one regret, I don't think I ever truly found the words to Thank him for all he was to me, the words of a song that come closest to thanking the person who took me for crayons to perfume, are the words of "To Sir with Love."

The other song that has played in my head and lifted the fog so many times. "Sunlight." I guess I should say, a song by "Three Dog Night" but actually, as far as I'm concerned, it's a song by Chuck Negron (the voice I've always appreciated most), sung beautifully, without much of the rest of Three Dog Night. There's a line in that song that says "have you seen the Sunlight falling through her hair. . ." I feel my very best with the Sunlight falling through my hair, and there's another line that says "if you wake up screaming, scared about what you're dreaming, you know she is there, she can share, cause that's the way she feels about You." I'm at my best when I'm there for someone I care about! And, over the last few years, without those that were fearless about being there, when I woke up screaming, scared about what I was dreaming, they were there because that's the way they feel about me! I don't think I would have made it back to the "Sunlight." They were great fog lifters!

One of those people, knowing how much I love the dawn, sent me a picture of a recent dawning of one of her days. Here it is!

Here's what she said in the email when she sent this picture.

Good Morning,

We had a little fog this morning. Thought you might enjoy the pic of today's sunrise.

Thanks for sending this picture Hooper, it's a great shot of what's possible, if you live in the possibility of the day! "Sunlight" will burn-off the fog and leave you with "The Shadow of Your Smile" if you'll let it! There's nothing better than the shadow of the smile of someone you care about. The shadow of your smile is alive in my head right now Hooper, and, you are a charter member of my "Fog Lifter's Club."

Bright and shiny morning to all the members of my Fog Lifter's Club! Thank you for being my "Sunlight."

P.S. This is an unpaid commercial for the Voices that are also members of my Fog Lifter's Club.

John Gary, that beautiful voice, singing that beautiful song, is no longer with us, but, his music is still alive and well and can be purchased on amazon.com. "Yellow Bird up high in banana tree. . ." oops, sorry, John Gary moment in my head!

Chuck Negron is alive and well and still out there gracing the world with that incredible Voice of his! Be good to yourself, treat yourself to one of his live and lively shows, or purchase one of his SOLO CD's. Ok, ok, buy the CD that contains "Sunlight" also! Read his book Three Dog Nightmare, a book of inspiration no matter what caused your slip and fall! Purchase his CD's and book at www.negron.com or visit amazon.com.

Lulu, the voice I hear singing "To Sir with Love." Also alive and well and available on amazon.com.

I love this . . .

"You don't throw a life away just because it's been banged up a little."

Tom Smith, the horse trainer
who took Seabiscuit on,
played by Chris Cooper

The conversation . . .

What I got, for me, during the last several months.

I got a reminder of what it feels like to make promises you either can’t keep or really don’t want to keep. I got a reminder of what it feels like to possibly lose someone you care about because of that! I got a reminder of what it feels like to be "held accountable" when you’re pretending! I got a reminder of what it feels like to "pretend" because you don’t think you’re enough! I didn’t like any of those feelings and I’m never going to do anything to create those feelings again. I’m whole, complete and perfect, just like I am, I’m a stand for truly believing that about myself.

I also got what it feels like to have those that truly love you stand by you no matter what! I’m a very lucky girl to be loved so much by so many, I’m a stand for loving myself more than others love me! Not in an arrogant, selfish way, but in a way that gives others access to loving me even more! The authentic Me!

What I know for sure. I’ve worked very hard to get past the past, to come out of my depression, to be able to dress myself everyday (which wasn’t possible on some days in the past). I’m human, I’ve made mistakes and sometimes bad choices, and I’m sure I will again. Gotta have a breakdown to have a breakthrough, and those breakthroughs are wonderful and powerful. I’m a stand for letting go of the past and creating a bright and shiny Now and Future! There’s an old maxim that says "It’ll shine when it shines." You can’t make some things shine, no matter what you do. The only way to live a bright and shiny Now and Future is to always live your life from a place of being in integrity with yourself and others! A life of authenticity.

From this day forward, I’m a stand for Good Choices! What do good choices look like to me?

Taking better care of my physical self! Eating right, getting more exercise. Yikes, giving up the smokes once and for all!

Choosing to consider how my words and actions land in another’s world. Being more sensitive to others! After all, they are human too! I’m a stand for forgiving myself and others for being human!

Listening, Listening, Listening, really hearing the honesty in the words others speak. Seeing honesty in all my communications and "being" authentic and honest in all my communications. Being fearless about being who I really am, all the while listening, but not compromising my morals, convictions and principles to accommodate another!

I’m a stand for being an extraordinary Choozie Doozie!



P.S. Rufus, thank you for doing the very hard work you're doing and for sharing it with Me! I’m honored and thrilled to be part of the amazing transformation you're experiencing. It’s glorious! You're in the conversation, and it’s flowing around me!