A day in the life . . . my last 24 hours.
Yesterday, the day began with me asking Rufus a question . . . Rufus responded: “I don’t really want to talk about that, I’ve put it behind me. But, here’s a brief summary for you anyway.” (para-phrasing) My sister, a/k/a Rufus, has an ability that I don’t seem to have. Even though I believe she is a seeker of knowledge, her seeking takes on a different context then my seeking. I’m always seeking to understand human behavior, mine and everybody else’s. I’m always looking for the reasons running in the background of human behavior, she’s much better at following Maya Angelou’s advise then I am.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time! -- Maya Angelou
Rufus let’s go of the banana much quicker then me, she’s better at leaving relationships that aren’t working then I am. Even if I leave, mentally, I try to figure out what went wrong and why I needed to leave, why I couldn’t “make” it what I wanted it to be. While still lying on my bed thinking about that conversation and being grateful that even though I had asked her a question about something she didn’t want to talk about, she loves me enough to talk about it anyway. Then, there on my television is Paul Simon being questioned by Diane Sawyer about a new book he has coming out. Strumming his guitar he sings:
You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free
-- Paul Simon
I think Rufus should adopt that song as her theme song. Diane Sawyer asked Paul Simon what made him write the above song whose title is “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover”. His response made me sit up and really listen because I wasn’t expecting anything close to what he said. He said “I wrote it to teach my little boy about rhymes.” What? I won’t bore you with all the things I thought that song was about, but it sure wasn’t that! And, off on a wandering strand my mind went. Thinking about the stories we tell ourselves and how they run our lives and how those stores usually aren’t anything like the truth.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
-- Albert Einstein
Throughout the rest of the day, I’m working, having a discussion by email with The Princess (about our opinions and feelings about California’s Proposition 8) and helping a friend clean up the results of a past bad time in his life. At one point in my discussion with my friend I said to him “What were you thinking, why didn’t you handle this when it happened?” (Me being all righteous) He said: “I thought if I just ignored it, it would go away.” (My righteousness flees) I said: “Jeez, that’s part of what I did when I was crazy, I thought if I just ignored the things that were happening, it would all just go away but, what really happened is I went away, the person I knew myself to be ceased to exist. I’d always been someone who didn't hesitate to deal with things, someone that knew how to get things done, make things happen, for myself and other. Then, I found myself in a place of NOT dealing with anything, curled up in a ball, wishing the world would go away. But, whatever you need to deal with, doesn’t go away, it just comes back over and over again, if only in your own mind.” (One of my winning formulas shows up - humor) Can you imagine if someone had tattle-tailed on You during the time when you were living with the stress of hiding all that was happening that caused what we are now trying to clean up like YOU tattle-tailed on ME?” Laughter erupted from both of us. Then he says “What year was it that I tattle-tailed on you?” Then we had a discussion around the things that were happening in my life and our relationship at that time. (He tattle-tailed on me because my madness was making him crazy, he needed someone to talk to about it, but he chose the worst person of all to talk to about it and made my life and what I was going through much more difficult and, has regretted it ever since and apologized for it many times).
AND THEN, THE BIGGEST, MOST DAMAGING BREAKDOWN OF THE DAY! My head filled with the time frames of my life, thoughts about leavings, with believing who someone is the first time instead of thinking things will change, thinking about the years of my madness and how it affected me and a whole lot of others. . . The phone rings, another friend calling to chat. Someone I trust, someone that I love and that I believe loves me. The conversation begins and I’m listening to him from a very different place because of the events that had already occurred in the day. And before I know it, something comes falling out of my mouth that I had never thought of before, that I had never said before and suddenly, that one comment started a chain of thought that has changed my life and that relationship forever. Something I didn't see, something so simple to see, a simple reality. Out of nowhere, it’s right there, no way around it.
Love is telling the truth without fear of the consequences.
-- Not sure who said it but I know it's true
Oh no, there really wasn’t any Love in the relationship like I thought there was. It was about self-indulgence, his, wanting what he wanted no matter who it hurt or what it cost them.
People that manipulate, control and dominate do those things because they aren't smart enough to get what they want without manipulating, controlling and dominating. -- a close friend
Time lines are very important in the work I do, I’m very big on time lines, but evidently I ignore them in my personal life. I’ve believed things this person has told me for years, and a whole lot of what he has told me was very, very painful to hear. I’ve even allowed the things he has told me to affect my reactions or non-reactions to situations, his words have affects my emotions and my thought process, all of which I realize I'm responsible for. And, suddenly, because of a little thing we have in our culture called a “calendar” I realize, for the first time, simply because of something I said, that the math doesn’t work. It never entered my mind to think “How could he know that?” I just assumed that he did know and would NEVER tell me hurtful stuff that wasn’t true. It's almost impossible for me to tell anyone something hurtful that is true. I never want to be the one causing pain and even that contributed to my past madness. I assumed the same was true of one and all.
Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.
-- Albert Einstein
It hasn’t been the truth he was speaking, the time line doesn’t allow him to KNOW what he has pretended to know. He was saying what he was saying to, on some level, control me and my actions and reactions. A very selfish, self-indulgent, damaging thing for him to do!!! I NEVER SAW THAT! I just simply believed the things he said, things that I now know he couldn’t have known, he was making stuff up!
Once again I have that feeling of absolute, utter confusion, feeling rattled comes over me. (I’ve had that feeling many times along my road to mental health) I gently and quietly got off the phone without saying a word about what I now know for sure that I had never known before. I thrashed around on my bed for a bit, I drove around in my car for a while, “50 ways to Leave . . .” thoughts in my head, feeling like a idiot, knowing that relationship has forever changed, and grieving, the relationship, the pain that I suffered all these years from believing what I now know couldn’t be true, grieving the love that was never real. Grieving over feeling like I needed the pain. I must have needed that pain to have been so blind. Beating myself up for evidently needing to be beat up by his fiction, so I believed his stories that mathematically couldn’t be true! Grieving over not loving me more!
ALL THE WHILE, MY OWN KARMA KICKING ME RIGHT SQUARE IN THE ASS!!! SO THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE WHEN YOU DISCOVER THAT SOMEONE HAS BEEN PLAYING YOU FOR THEIR OWN SICK, MENTALLY ILL BENEFIT!!! To fill up a hole in their existence with your attention, like me most, don’t like them, I’m better then they are, and I’ll pretend whatever I have to to convince You. I’ll pretend to have what I don’t have, I’ll pretend to be able to do what I don’t know how to do, I’ll pretend to know what I couldn’t possibly know, I’ll just make it up. I’ll run faster, I’ll do more, I’ll be better. I’ll pretend, I’ll pretend, even if it means You suffer the damage of my pretending. Because, I have a hole in me that I’m trying to fill up with YOU!!!! I need to feel important! I need your attention, I need to be needed, I don’t feel whole without YOU! Feeling like I wasn't smart enough to get what I thought I wanted without pretending. I am now and always had been, before me mental illness, smart enough to get what I want. I was suffering from Raging Mental Illness!!!! If You see that in yourself, anywhere, with anyone, and anything, Seek help immediately!!!! That “You Complete me thing is bullshit!” Only You can complete You, another person and stuff and such will never fill you up. I sought help! But obviously my recovery is ongoing. I guess you only see what you see when you are ready to see it.
Living is easy with eyes closed.
-- John Lennon
Out of nowhere a peaceful calm, the realization that my discovery of the day wasn’t near as painful as believing all the fiction all these years has been. I now no longer have to believe the painful fiction. Now I just have to try and forgive myself for believing it in the first place.
A bubble bath, a comfortable bed, sleep, a dream begins in my head. I’m in the kitchen at my Dad’s house, he’s sitting at his desk, leaning back in his chair. I’m telling him about the events of the day and all the sorrow I’m feeling, he’s listening intently as he always did to me. Dad starts talking to me, advising me, consoling me, making it ok that I didn’t see what I should have seen. (I’m sure my engineering father was having a hard time understanding why I didn’t simply do the math! He, He).
Since his death, I’ve talked to my Dad a lot, but last night, in my dream, was the first time I could actually see and hear him talking back. In his gentle, non-intrusive way, without any condemnation for my blindness, Dad told me who I had always been for him, and hearing that was always more than enough for me. A love so complete, so encompassing, so comforting, so forgiving. How could I not forgive myself when he always forgave me even before I needed him to. I love you Daddy, and I know you are with me always. But a special thanks for showing up in my head in such a big way last night when my emotions were so raw and needy.
I WELCOME BIG BREAKDOWNS, BECAUSE ON THE OTHER SIDE IS A BIG BREAKTHROUGH WAITING FOR YOU! You have to let go of something to create the clearing for something brand new.
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
-- Albert Einstein
You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free
-- Paul Simon
And, in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
-- The Beatles
Manipulation, control and domination are not about Love. If you are pretending, or if you feel someone else is pretending, get going! There are better ways to live your life!
2 comments:
Whoaaa...that was some post. The "who" doesn't matter, only that you got on the bus, GUS!
~R
Woweee!!! Great post. Those thoughts will get you going first thing in the morning.
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