My Quest for Spirituality

Spirituality, a mystical, what does it mean kind of word. So much more than a word, an emotion, a quest and the most precious thing a human being can experience. I'd like to tell you a little about the roads I traveled to find mine.

I've always been a person of traditional values; God, Country, Apple Pie and Dad. I was raised in a home that required attendance at the First Christian Church every single Sunday. The existence of God was never a question for me, I always believed He was there. My quest was for my spirituality, some kind of relief in the darkest time of my life. I was unable to function, I was only existing in my self-imposed world of solitude and depression. God stepped in and he led me to more source material then I ever knew existed. He was desperate to help me.

Book stores are a special place to me, I've always loved books. When I was able to actually dress myself and get out of my house, I'd head to the book store and stay for hours. Books began to fall off of the shelves and into my hands. First, the philosophy of the the Toltec Indians. Very old philosophy that's been passed down from generation to generation by word of mouth and now has thankfully been committed to writing. What is the philosophy? Basically, Four Agreements, if you live by the Four Agreements, you will find your true spirituality. The Four Agreements are:

Be impeccable with your word;
Never make assumptions;
Don't take anything personally; and
Always do and be your best.

Back in the book store, another unexpected book, "When It All Falls Apart". A book based on what some see as a religion, but what I see as a philosophy, Buddhism. The Buddhist teachings propose no deity, The Buddha is not a "god" only a messenger with wisdom about living life. The wisdom imparted in Buddhists teaching is not about religious faith, it's about getting in touch with the "Buddha" of your own soul. "Spiritual" in Buddhism means living with basic human good qualities: human affection, a sense of involvement, honesty, discipline and human intelligence properly guided by good motivation.

A gift from a friend, continued my quest, "The Holy Bible." A book so vast, so complicated, yet so simple. A book that encompasses all of the philosophy of the Toltec Indians and the Buddhist. A book with all the wisdom and lessons any human being could ever need to live a life they love. The most powerful book to read in a quest to spirituality.

In conclusion, my absolute truth, there is only one God. My God is so powerful, wise and wonderful that since the beginning of time, he has shared his wisdom with all the men of the world. Call it what you will, Buddhism, lessons of the Indians. My God is responsible for all the wisdom of the world. While all the knowledge I gained on my quest is of great value, knowing my God is my real access to spirituality.

Wearing the Past.

You should not suffer the past. You should be able to wear it like a loose garment, take it off and let it drop.

-Eva Jessye

Live Life!

"For the longest time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt still to be paid. And maybe then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life." -- Alfred D'Souza

I do, therefore, I am

After a couple of unsettling weeks that were all about "doing" not simply "being" I have managed to get back to what I want most in life. I want to "be" who I really am without having to "do" anything to prove it. Being is the only thing that matters.

Nowadays, people don't ask you how you are, they say, 'Are you busy?' meaning, 'Are you well?' If someone actually does ask you how you are, the most cheerful answer, of course, is a robust 'Busy!' to which the person will reply 'Good! "Busy' used to be a negative sort of word. It meant having no time for yourself, no leisure. 'No, I can't come out this weekend, I'm too busy.' Sorry about that, you poor stiff. Now, though, busyness is bullish. Conspicuous industriousness is the rule.
"Conspicuous industriousness" is fancy talk for chasing your own tail. This is the habit of rushing around frantically and feeling quite noble even when you go nowhere fast. Equipped with cell phones, beepers, and handheld computers, the "conspicuously industrious" blur the line between home and office by working anytime, anywhere. Always on call, they make a perverse case for the argument that work isn't a part of life, but rather that life is a part of work. They embody the new twenty-first century ideal--"I do, therefore I am."

And whether they know it or not, they are competitors in the rat race. Constantly busy, moving at breakneck speed, they wake, work, earn, spend, shovel down food, and collapse--only to begin the same vicious cycle over again the next day. Never knowing which end is up, they live according to the "Rules of the Rat Race," an unwritten code of conduct that says you should:

1. Bite off more than you can chew.
2. Act as if enough is never enough.
3. Chase your tail and run to stand still.
4. View life as a part of work, instead of work as a part of life.

These days, people think "doing" makes them who they are. They discover that when the "doing" situation changes they are at a loss, they have no real knowledge of who they are or what "being" really means. Doing to be liked, doing to be needed, doing to get attention, doing to feel important. But, never knowing that their being is crying to be heard.

Being is about needing because you love or like. Doing is about seeking love or like or what you need to survive the Rat Race. I welcome the return of my being with all my heart.

"Spit in one hand and "want" in the other and see which one fills up fastest!" Zelma

We know we are "off track" by the degree of our "wanting" - whatever that desire is for - whether it be acclaim, love, money, pain relief, power, security, sex, stuff, etc. If you are alive and breathing and reasonably healthy, all has been given already. The work of life is to fully receive the gifts with appreciation and praise, and then to let them flow out of you with total gusto. - Spivey

Words for Today!

Renew Your Glitter!

That "someplace else" can be exciting or dangerous!

If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

-Yogi Berra

Love Them Anyway!

I'm sure that everyone who reads my blog has read this somewhere, sometime, more than once. It never hurts to be reminded though, I can certainly use this reminder.


People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered,
LOVE THEM ANYWAY

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives,
DO GOOD ANYWAY

If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies,
SUCCEED ANYWAY

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow,
DO GOOD ANYWAY

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable,
BE HONEST AND FRANK ANYWAY

What you spent years building may be destroyed overnight
BUILD ANYWAY

People really need help but may attack you when you help them
HELP PEOPLE ANYWAY

Give the world the best you have and you'll get disparaged and ridiculed
GIVE THE WORLD THE BEST YOU'VE GOT ANYWAY.

Adapted from the book "A Simple Path" by Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Lamentations, Longings and Grief

He who seeks happiness should withdraw the arrow; his own lamentations, longings and grief. With the arrow withdrawn, unattached, he would attain to peace of mind; and when all sorrow has been transcended he is sorrow-free and has realized Nirvana.

Ain't it the Truth.

In the popular phrase, "Some days you eat the bear, and some days the bear eats you.", beware the bear that is "inside" you. We are under constant attack by an enemy that hides within us, intertwined with our egos, laying in wait for our next moment of carelessness, callousness, cockyness, sloppiness, sureness, unconsciousness, and then WHAM!, we wonder why we are left smoldering in the rubble of our shattered integrity. --Spivey

Being Me!

"Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway." --Elbert Hubbard (borrowed from "Love Them Anyway"

For most of my life, I didn't feel the need to "explain, validate or justify" my beliefs or actions. I just "did" what was right and good for me. I've somehow found my way back to that place, only, it seems, I'm becoming more that way then ever before. But, the fear that runs now, that didn't exist before, is the fear of hurting others because of that refusal to "explain, validate or justify". But, when I try to explain, validate and justify my actions or the process of getting to where I want to go, it doesn't feel real to me. As the quote says your "friends" don't need it and your "enemies won't believe you anyway."

So, I want to take this opportunity to say, I'm not going to edit, rehearse, perform or hide anything, I'm not going to explain, validate or justify my actions or being who I am. Just know, along this road, it's not about You, it's me being who I truly am, going where I need to go.

"The visionary is the one who brings his or her voice into the world 'as is' and who refuses to edit, rehearse, perform, or hide it. It is the visionary who knows that the power of creativity is aligned with bold authenticity."
--Angeles Arrien

Heading West, with the Best!

If today was an extraordinary day, like usual when I'm off on an adventure with my Coco, it might sound something like this:

Here we go, headed West to San Antonio a town full of hot latinos, great music and amazing food! Me and Coco alone in her cacoon of a car, just the two of us never at a loss for something to say, but also with lot's of those wonderful moments of peaceful quiet, just the two of us sharing the same air.

But, as we venture out west today, the mission is one that a contains a bit of sorrow for what we might find, so wish us well on this journey and please, take the time to say a short prayer.

He, He, Ho, Ho, Ha, Ha

Taking the crazy little quizzes on line can be fun. Someone sent me one this morning, a friend who "thinks" I should now, with my sane brain, consider having a romantic adventure. During my madness, I thought the world had been populated by "Ken" and "Barbie" dolls, (I wasn't attracted to anyone at the time, not even myself) no one was anatomically correct, including me, so romantic interludes were not a great success, not because of lack of interest by others, because of a complete lack of interest by me! So, maybe, who knows, maybe my friend that sent the quiz is hoping he'll be my action hero! Here's the result of my answers! He, he, ho, ho, ha, ha!

Mia, your relationship destiny is to Have a Romantic Rendezvous

Wild thing, you make our hearts sing. Daring and headstrong, you know that the world is full of all kinds of adventures and possibilities, and you want to try as many of them as possible. Whether you've already met the action hero who's bold enough to join you on your travels, or are still looking for a soul brave enough, you're sure to enjoy the search.

A risk taker by nature, you're not afraid to put yourself on the line, whether you're scaling mountains or falling in love on the first date. Sure, that means you'll get a few bumps and bruises along the way, but for a courageous spirit like you, that's part of the fun. How romantic!

Of course, this is what inspired the next post, "Doors."

Doors!

September 15, 2006
Walking Through
When Doors Open

When a door opens, walk through it. Trust that the door has opened for a reason and you have been guided to it. Sometimes we have a tendency to overanalyze or agonize over the decision, but it is quicker to simply go through the door and discover what's there as that's the only way to know. Even if it doesn't seem right at first, opening this door may lead to another door that will take us where we need to go.

Doors open when the time is right for us to enter a new space, metaphorically speaking, and we can have faith that walking through is the right thing to do. Sometimes we linger in the threshold because we are afraid of leaving our old life for a life we know nothing about. We may have voices inside of our heads that try to hold us back or people in our lives saying discouraging things. These voices, internal and external, are known as threshold spirits, and they express all the fears and doubts that arise at the beginning of a new life. Nevertheless, none of these voices can hold us back, and they will fall silent as soon as we cross the threshold.

There are many doors that open in the course of our lives, leading us into new relationships, jobs, friendships, and creative inspirations. Our lives up to this point are the result of all the doors we have walked through, and our continued growth depends on our willingness to keep moving into new spaces. Every time we walk through an open door, we create a sense memory that encourages us to move into the new fearlessly. When we enter the new space, we almost always feel a thrill and a new feeling of confidence, in ourselves and in the universe. We have stepped across the threshold into a new life.

Progress

"Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow. It is a long, lonely road."

-- Aristotle

Sunday Morning Coming Down

As Kris would say, "It's Sunday Morning coming down." As my Princess Daughter has already pointed out on her blog, I quite often think in lyrics and those lyrics quite often don't mean to me or come out of my mouth at times that match what the artist that wrote or sang them was feeling at the time they wrote them or sang them. That is definitely true of "Sunday Morning coming down." Sunday is one of my favorite days of the week. I begin my Sunday Mornings very early, listening to a radio program that starts with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir beautifully singing beautiful hymns, followed by a message from a Priest and then, a message from a Rabbi. I love the choir, the Priest is interesting but the Rabbi is my favorite part of the show. His messages are always about living life in a way that fuels your spiritual-self with God's loving kindness. With 9/11 staring us in the face once again, there are lot's of thoughts running in my head. Thoughts about the world-at-large and thoughts about my own much smaller world where I live my life everyday. In my opinion, some of the questions that exist in the world-at-large and the questions that exist in my thoughts about living my life in my much smaller world can be answered the same way. What do those answers look like?

If we live our lives continually motivated by anger and hatred, even our physical health deteriorates.
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

The important thing is to learn a lesson every time you lose. -John McEnroe

The only people who manipulate, control and dominate are those that aren't smart enough to get what they want without manipulating, controlling and dominating.
-Escobar

Sometimes, "not participating" is the right thing to do. -Me

I want to live a peaceful life, not by running from the struggle of making amends or doing the right thing, but without drama being infused into my struggles by me or others. Words written by another better describe my feelings:

"Dispelling Drama
There are scores of people in the world who seem to be magnets for calamity. They live their lives jumping from one difficult situation to the next, surrounded by unstable individuals. Some believe themselves victims of fate and decry a universe they regard as malevolent. Others view their chaotic circumstances as just punishments for some failing within. Yet, in truth, neither group has been fated or consigned to suffer. They are likely unconsciously drawing drama into their lives, attracting catastrophe through their choices, attitudes, and patterns of thought. Drama, however disastrous, can be exciting and stimulating. But the thrill of pandemonium eventually begins to frustrate the soul and drain the energy of all who embrace it. To halt this process, we must understand the root of our drama addiction, be aware of our reactions, and be willing to accept that a serene, joyful life need not be a boring one.

Many people, so used to living in the dramatic world they create, feel uncomfortable when confronted with the prospect of a lifetime of peace and contentment. The drama in their lives serves multiple purposes. Upset causes excitement, prompting the body to manufacture adrenaline, which produces a pleasurable surge of energy. For those seeking affection in the form of sympathy, drama forms the basis of their identity as a victim. And when drama is familial, many people believe they can avoid abandonment by continuing to play a key role in the established family dynamic. The addiction to drama is fed by the intensity of the feelings evoked during bouts of conflict, periods of uncertainty, and upheaval.

Understanding where the subconscious need for drama stems from is the key to addressing it effectively. When you confront your emotional response to drama and the purpose it serves in your life, you can reject it. Each time you consciously choose not to take part in dramatic situations or associate with dramatic people, you create space in your inner being that is filled with a calm and tranquil stillness and becomes an asset in your quest to lead a more centered life."

Along the road of "making amends," and "doing the right thing," but, refusing to be taken advantage of while attempting to "make amends" or "do the right thing," drama and those that want to create it by continuing to live with a "victim mentality," only cause anger, hurt feelings and much larger struggles then are necessary. My insane brain of a few years back craved drama. My now sane brain knows how destructive drama can be and doesn't want it. I want my life to be full of God's loving kindness and I only want those who are willing to show me loving kindness while I do the work to make amends or do the right thing, in my life. I've had enough drama to last me the rest of my life. Even though I know that a need for drama is driven by fear, hurt and anger, I also know that love is the only emotion that truly has any value. It feels wonderful to be able to feel love again. It also feels wonderful to not be afraid to take a stand for what I want in my life. Bring loving kindness to me and I'll give it right back to you! When loving kindness is present, there is no way to lose.

And now, back to the radio, 5 hours of smooth jazz, Sada, knows how to calm my soul and ignite some other feelings too! Ahhhh! Thank God, I have feelings again. I hope Your "Sunday Morning coming down" is peaceful and full of loving kindness. -M

Well Now, Andy

If you want to make peace, you don't talk to your friends. You talk to your enemies.

-Moshe Dayan

I Love Uncle Albert!

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

-Albert Einstein

The journey.

"Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time."-- Mark Twain

"Breaking old patterns requires a certain ruthless relentlessness - a fierce and fiery determination - a downright refusal to be denied. We all have it in us - this "holy rage" against our "holy discontent." We just must locate it, stoke it and stir it up a bit, and then harness it to our intent, purpose, and values, so that we can trust it, and then let others around us know to watch out for flying bricks and mortar." –Jim Spivey

A pattern of behavior (a habit) can be caused by or creep into your life from addiction, mental illness, or simply from a need to survive. It doesn't matter what the cause is, when attempting to put an end to a pattern of behavior (or habit), it's a long and exhausting road. A road that requires constant vigilance, constant conversation in your own head reinforcing the desired change. My journey out of total darkness has been a long, difficult road. I was in a place of not "feeling" anything, having completely numbed myself out in order to avoid the pain and anguish created by episodes in my life, life changes and my own thoughts about the changes . When you aren't "feeling" anything, causing pain for yourself and others is an easy thing to do because you aren't ‘feeling" the pain you are causing yourself or anyone else. In the world we live in, lot's of people take anti-depressant or other medications to "stop" feeling so bad. My own brain was the best medication in the world to do that, my brain totally stopped my emotions, my fears, my reactions. It even allowed me to be physically injured without feeling any physical pain at all. The scars on my body and my soul from that journey into darkness have been and continue to be painful to look at and accept. Unlike the part of the population who want to "stop" feeling, medication was necessary for me to "start" feeling again. A few years ago, I went on medication for 8 weeks, my emotions and my physical sensations returned from being on that medication (leave me alone Cruise, unless you have been where the rest of us have been, you have no right to make us bad and wrong for doing whatever we have to do to recover). Only then did the journey truly begin, but breaking the pattern of behavior (the habit) has been the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life. The attempt to change the behavior, dealing with the knowledge the wreckage that I had caused in my own life and in the life of others is some days overwhelming. You just have to keep marching, reinforcing and living in a place of Not causing pain for yourself or anyone else no matter what. It would be much easier to walk away from it and pretend it didn't happen, but that is a coward's way and I'm no coward.

I was fortunate in the sense that I had lot's of support from friends and family, those that stayed with me through it all. Those that gave me forgiveness without me asking. They watched me fall, they've watched me stand back up, they know how hard I've worked and how different my life and my thoughts are now. Unfortunately, there are those that didn't stay with me through it all and, therefore, don't know the work I did or the struggles I went through to re-build myself, to re-structure my thought processes, to get back to being the real me with a lot of new knowledge and wisdom. They have no way of "knowing" where I am now, so the fear of the past still exists. I don't believe that those people are bad, evil, unforgiving people, I just know that they don't know. But the not "knowing" has caused me to feel hurt and to be a bit resentful. I have to let go of my hurt and resentfulness about that and march on and, I will. I'll replace the hurt and resentfulness that I'm feeling with love and understanding for those that don't "know".

The greatest journey you can take, with the greatest benefit, where you will confront many walls, through which you must walk with bold tenacity, is as stated below by William Sloane Coffin:

"The longest, most arduous trip in the world is the journey from the head to the heart. And until that round trip is completed, we remain at war with ourselves. And, of course, those at war with themselves are apt to make casualties of others, including friends and loved ones."

I will let go of that resentfulness, rejoice in all the forgiveness I've received, and do my very best not to make casualties. I will continue this all-important journey from my head to my heart on behalf of God and everyone I love and who loves me. --Mia

Good Karma- Bad Karma

Karma is not something complicated or philosophical. Karma means watching your body, watching your mouth, and watching your mind. Trying to keep these three doors as pure as possible is the practice of karma.