Thanks Giving!

Today, I'm giving Thanks and being Grateful for . . .

My Child, my family, my friends, the bed I sleep in, the roof over my head, hot running water, the car that I drive, the work I do, the sun, the sky, the birds, the trees, the grass, the rain, the flowers, the magazines and the books that I read, the music I listen to, my imagination, and my ability to think, smile, laugh and sometimes cry, I give thanks and I'm grateful that I'm alive and I'm Thankful and Grateful that You are You and that I am I!

Happy Thanksgiving one and all!

I love this quote and I love the work of the quoter!

My eyes are on my own life. They are my own private camera. -- Ralph Lauren

Maybe if We All focused a little more on our own lives, instead of the lives of others, we would all be as successful and creative as Ralph Lauren! Even though I am pretty focused on my own life these days, I'm going to follow Ralph Lauren's lead and become even More focused on my own life and the goals I have for my life!

Oh my, I just looked down and realized I'm wearing Ralph Lauren today!

And . . . that possibility is a reality for me!!!!!

There is one consolation in being sick...the possibility that you may recover to a better state than you were ever in before. -- Henry David Thoreau

Quoting

There is only one thing more painful than learning from experience, and that is not learning from experience. — Archibald MacLeish

Question of the Day!

To see with one's own eyes, to feel and choose without succumbing to the suggestive power of the fashion of the day, to be able to express what one has seen and felt in a trim sentence or even in a cunningly wrought word-is that not glorious? Is it not a proper subject for congratulations?
-- Albert Einstein

Have a conversation today with a bird, Bugs or a butterfly!

"Until he extends the circle of his compassion to all living things,man will not himself find peace." ~ Dr. Albert Schweitzer

Ha, ha, he, he, ho ho! Ain't it the truth!!

“You can never get enough of what you do not really want.” -- Eric Hoffer

At all times and under all circumstances, we have the power to transform the quality of our lives. -- Werner Erhard

The above statement was made by a man, Werner Erhard, who is responsible for the technology that was the genesis of my recovery and my transformation. It's a statement that I know to be true, I lived it. When, in the very worst of my darkness, Coco dragged me, screaming and kicking to Landmark Forum, I did, in fact, experience a transformation as a result of attending the Landmark Forum. Unfortunately, being a very sick person at the time, that transformation resulted in my getting sicker still. But, ultimately, that getting sicker resulted in an intervention that, I believe, saved my life. So, today, I choose to celebrate Werner Erhard for giving the gift of transformation to the world, my Coco, who is always willing to try-on something new and Debbie, a fearless warrior who looked past my words and chose action. Thank You!

P. S. If you would like to learn more about Werner Erhard visit www.wernererhard.com maybe you will have a transformation, just from reading more of his words.

Quote for the Day

"We either make ourselves miserable and weak, or we make ourselves healthy and strong. The amount of work is exactly the same. It simply depends on what we choose to see and cultivate." -- Carlos Castaneda

There is no place like home . . .

Last night, I arrived home after spending 5 days on a road trip with my sister, Carlita. It's the only time I can remember the two of us being alone for that length of time. I had a great time, I enjoyed her company, and all things worked in our favor.

The weather was perfect. I learned a lot at the convention we attended. We visited a town I had visited a couple of times before, but only for brief intervals to hear voices sing.

I discovered on this trip that I Love Fort Worth, Texas. And, boy is it Texas! We had dinner with the Princess and her friend, Nicole at a restaurant that's excellent! If you are ever in Fort Worth, be sure and indulge your taste buds at http://www.lonesomedovebistro.com/. Not only is the food delicious, it's a fun place to spend some time.

Even with all the good of the last 5 days, when I arrived home, I plopped down on my bed and simply laid there for almost an hour. Didn't listen to messages or return calls, didn't turn the computer on, just laid on my bed and celebrated being in my own space. For after all is said and done, there is no place like your own home, and I was happy to return to mine!

I'm not sure where this is going, but it is going . . .

First things first, no matter who you are or how you might have played a part in this blog coming into existence, it's not about You, it's about me. You are on your own journey, not my place to judge you, do what you will, feel what you feel! I'm only taking this journey to explore how "hiding" has affected my life and is still affecting my life, and how I feel about that. I'm looking for some answers about where I want to stand on the issue of hiding. Hopefully by the end of this blog, I will have found that wisdom.

hide - verb, hid, hid·den or hid, hid·ing, noun
–verb (used with object)
1. to conceal from sight; prevent from being seen or discovered: Where did she hide her jewels?
2. to obstruct the view of; cover up: The sun was hidden by the clouds.
3. to conceal from knowledge or exposure; keep secret: to hide one's feelings. –verb (used without object)
4. to conceal oneself; lie concealed: He hid in the closet. –noun
5. British. a place of concealment for hunting or observing wildlife; hunting blind. —Verb phrase
6. hide out, to go into or remain in hiding: After breaking out of jail, he hid out in a deserted farmhouse.

Over the last couple of of weeks, "hiding" has been appearing in my life from all directions. My own hiding, the hiding by others, old hiding, new hiding, hiding to protect someone else's feelings, hiding being done to influence someone else, hiding to maintain control, hiding because of a fear of losing something, hiding real feelings to avoid being vulnerable. You name it, it's showing up!

Hiding that's causing fear, hiding that has caused disappointment, hiding that has caused empathy for a loved one, hiding that's still causing anger, hiding real feels which has caused relationships to crash when real feelings could have saved the relationship, only to be left with a basket of regret! Hiding that, even though done to protect, makes me feel like I'm being less than I could be.

So, is hiding ever ok? Is keeping someone else's secrets considered hiding? Is keeping secrets from someone considered hiding? What they don't know won't hurt them? Is it ok to coming out of hiding if the person that agreed to be in a "hiding" pact with you violates that pact, comes out of hiding and uses their coming out to hurt you, all the while protecting theirself from what might happen if you decided to use their hiding against them, like they used your hiding againt You. Is it then ok to come out of that pact and use their hiding against them?

Hiding played a very large part in my complete mental melt down. My own hiding and something being hidden in my brain that began to affect all my thoughts, actions and words. That very same hiding brought out a dark side of me that created reasons to hide, and exposed a part of me that had always chosen to hide. I've worked very, very hard to change that hidden part of me! On most days, in most ways I've been successful in my efforts.

While writing this blog, as so often happens, the answers I already know, showed up. I'm only responsible for Me and my choices, I'm not responsible for You and Your choices, and if you have chosen to share your secrets with me, secrets they will remain, even if you chose or have chosen to violate the trust I have placed in you.

Ahhhhh, HERE IT IS! The wisdom I was looking for when I started writing this blog. I'm going to follow an ancient wisdom that has already helped me on this journey, I just needed something to remind me of it. If hiding is affecting you and making you question, buy the book and read it too and maybe it will help You.

Bringing Ancient Toltec Indian Wisdom to Contemporary Life - The Four Agreements.

Based on ancient Toltec wisdom, the Four Agreements offer a powerful code of conduct that can rapidly transform our lives and our work into a new experience of effectiveness, balance and self supporting behavior.
Everything we do is based on agreements we have made with ourselves. In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, what everyone else is, how to act, what is possible and what is impossible. What we have agreed to believe creates what we experience. When these agreements come from fear, obstacles develop keeping us from realizing our greatest potential.

THE FOUR AGREEMENTS -

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret.

My advise for the day - Don't ever let the mystery of who you are, rest. Stay in the inquiry and those Ahhhhh moments will be your own gift to You!

Wishing You a Four Agreement kind of day!

Whooo, that was close, and even though I'm happy about it, I'm not sure it is fair!

They made it through for atleast one more week, not sure they should have, but they did. Cheryl will dance again.

I'm in "Dancing With The Stars" Hell!

I Love "Dancing With the Stars"!!!!!! As a little girl I wanted to grow up and "be" a professional dancer. I never quite recovered from the affect Juliet Prowse had on me in G. I. Blue! I wanted to grow up, dance like her and walk like her (she had the most amazing posture). I was then and still am a huge dance fan. When I was in high school, my mother spent a lot of her time Ballroom dancing in her beautiful chiffon dresses. As a matter of fact, one of the professionals dancing on this seasons "Dancing with the Stars" is the grandson of an old friend of my mother, Mark Ballis gives Houston a local connection to this season! Nonetheless, Cheryl Burke has joined the ranks of Juliet Prowse for my affections when it comes to dancing, she is the Major reason I love the show so much! I love to watch her dance. I wait through the entire show for Cheryl to take the floor and after she dances, my attention seems to drift a bit, in my opinion no one else compares! Unfortunately, I think she has pulled the black bean this season by being partnered with Wayne Newton. I think my friend, CoCo is correct, he is resting on his laurels and not working as hard as the rest, thinking his celebrity will carry him through. I don't think that is going to happen, I believe he will be eliminated early on, maybe even tonight!!!! That is pure Hell for me, it means Cheryl will be going. I'll have a very difficult time maintaining my interest in the show after her departure, even though I agree, HE needs to go! Maybe she could just show up and dance by herself the rest of the season! Out of loyalty to Her, I did cast some votes for Her! But, for the first time in the history of "Dancing With the Stars", the majority of my votes went to someone else who I believe is giving it his all, I love to see that, so I think he deserves the votes!

Now that I've vented about the biggest trauma going on in my life at the moment, I'll wish you a lovely day and stress the day away being fearful that Cheryl may go tonight!

My First Dancing Love!


My Current Dancing love and THE STAR OF "DANCING WITH THE STARS" AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED!!!!!!!

Great Advice

"Mind Your Own Business.

What others do is really none of your concern or business, unless, of course, they invite you into it and ask for your opinion. Most importantly, however, you have your own life to live well first. You are accountable only to yourself, just as they are accountable only to themselves. It's not your responsibility or job to tell them what to do, to tell them how to do it, or to judge them or criticize them for doing something you don't approve of or not doing what you recommend. When you are minding your own business, then you:

1) Stop meddling in other people's business and start 'intervening' in your own affairs.

2) Stop telling others what they should or shouldn't do and start helping them first identify and then make their own choices.

3) Stop pushing against what others are doing and start paying attention to what you are doing and the outcome of those actions.

4) Stop thinking it's your job to make other people's decisions for them and start paying attention to the resulting experiences that come from the decisions that you are making.

5) Stop gossiping about other people and start spending more time coming to know who they really are and what their lives and dreams and struggles are really about.

6) Stop criticizing and judging what others are doing and start being more loving and accepting of others at all times.

7) Stop holding a grudge about something someone else has done or said and start being more forgiving and understanding.

8) Stop laying a guilt trip on others because of their actions and start paying attention to the impact of your own actions.

9) Stop interfering in other people's lives and start paying more attention to your own life.

When you stop minding another's business, then you will have more time to focus on your own life, which is totally necessary if you want a better life, and, interestingly enough, it's the single most influential thing you can do." -- Carol James

Let's Fly!

"Wanna fly? Then you got to give up the shit that weighs you down." -- Toni Morrison

A blog stolen from the Princess Blog, and Yes I'm still learning!

Ashley, Jen, Princess Laran and Lauren

Thursday, September 20, 2007

"In youth we learn; in age we understand."
— Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach

I like this quote and the idea behind it, but I wonder if this is really true. I know for sure that after a nice, long conversation with my Mom and Grandmother (Baba) while in Houston over Labor Day that they are at different points in their learning and understanding. Mom being 55 and Baba being just shy of 86, you can probably guess that each had their own take on life, love and the pursuit of happiness. I think my Mom understands a lot, but she also admits to continuing to learn things about people, about the world and about herself. I respect the fact that my Mom doesn't pretend to know and understand it all. What I learned from Mom on this trip:

-Love and friendship are great, an integral part of marriage, but sex and attraction is equally as important.

-Every day we wake-up and we have choices. It's what we do with those choices that shapes our lives.

-One of the most important relationships is the one we have with our parents/parental figures.

-You have more resilience than you could ever imagine.

My Baba, on the other hand, is not a 'know it all,' but I get the sense that she just understands the things about her life that the rest of us are still learning a little deeper than anyone can who hasn't lived as long. She doesn't get bogged down in the little things of life, like I tend to do, she just knows a few, simple, yet crucial things about life that she understands deeply and holds strong to and that's it. From my talks with her alone, I learned:

-A woman can never have too many pairs of shoes, even at 86.

-Jewelry, hand bags and a new outfit will always bring a smile to a woman's face and a grumpiness to a man's voice.

-Being desired by a man is always nice.

-Baba originated, and still holds to the mantra, "Always keep a little for yourself..." (I just thought that my Mom coined the phrase!!)

-Giving to others is one of the most blessed things in life.

I can say the same for my Grandfather (Gege), who Baba and I talked with later after the Mom and Baba conversations. Baba and Gege don't really question certain things, like their marriage, their faith, their life situation, their past. They understand that what you worry about all your life, or live all your years learning about, comes down to a few simple beliefs, in no particular order, that I was able to glean from this conversation with my Baba and Gege:

-Enjoy life as much as you can, and know that you can't change those around you, only yourself.

-Be faithful to God, family and self.

-Friendship and love are to be cherished, no matter your age.

-You're going to screw up, people around you are going to screw up--deal with it, learn from it, try to do better/be better next time and move on.

-Don't dwell on the past, you can't change it, you can only change how you let it affect you.

-Work hard, play hard. Save for retirement, but don't ever really "retire."

-Pay your taxes.

-You have more resilience than you could ever imagine.

So, I guess Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach is right. We spend all of our younger years learning what we can only hope to understand as we grow older and wiser. I am lucky that I have grandparents and a mother who try to teach me all that they already understand in such a loving way. But, as is the way of children/grandchildren, there are plenty of things I am just going to have to learn on my own that I can, hopefully, try to teach my children and grandchildren one day.

The "perfect" description of my "perfect weekend!

How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterward.

— Spanish proverb

"la, la, la, la Life Goes On"

Back in 2002, while trying to recover from a complete mental breakdown, I started writing a book as part of my therapy. Upon the suggestion of friends, I've decided to complete the book and publish it in the hopes of helping others struggling through life events that have nothing to do with addiction. I'll keep you posted on the release date of my book.

Also, Don't be left out, order your advance copy of this book Now at http://www.amazon.com/! I'm sure the "updates" will be an interesting read!

An inspiration in more ways then one.

It's amazing how things show up in your life that "You Think" have shown up for you to share with another, only to discovery what a difference it ends up making in your own life. This weekend's journey began a couple of years ago while driving across town with one of the Gary's in my life. Our conversation that day was centered around making changes in our lives, changes that would bring laughter, love and relief from the pain of the disasters we had both caused in our own lives over the last few years. During that ride, I was reminded of a song that I had heard on the radio by an artist that I had never really been a fan of but, I loved the song and it seemed to be the perfect anthem for our journey of mutual healing. I insisted that Gary drive us to the nearest Best Buy so we could buy the CD. I wanted him to hear that song! In keeping with the way all the "Gary's" in my life treat me, within minutes I was at Best Buy! We bought the CD, raced back to the car, put it on, reclined our seats and listened with our whole hearts! The song is "I Want to Know What Love is" by Wynonna Judd.

Friday morning, another one of the "Gary's" in my life came to pick me up with a picnic lunch in the car and we headed to Lake Charles, Louisiana to see Wynonna in the flesh, I wanted to hear that song up close and personal!

The stage lights went to black, the show is starting, you couldn't see anyone on the stage and then, that voice begins to sing, slowly a single spotlight begins to lite her. And then there she is with her flaming red hair and bigger then big voice. What happened to me emotionally during her show was amazing and also pretty big. All I could think was "how could she be standing up there singing like that with all that she's going through in her life and, if she can do this, I can do anything!" A couple of times, as she would begin a song, the tears popped up in her eyes and you could see her fight her way through it! When the music began of the song that I had come to hear, my tears popped up and, for the first time in a very long time, I let them flow! Tears for the disasters, mine and tears for the disasters of my friend, Gary. There I was surrounded by strangers, allowing my own tears to flow, it's almost impossible for me to do that in safe company. It felt wonderful, the woman sitting next to me reached over, patted me on the arm and smiled, as if to say "I know, I know"! There's something to be said for the kindness of strangers. Wynonna took me full-circle in a little over an hour, by the end of the show, like everyone else, I was on my feet dancing and applauding and feeling freer than I have in a very long time! The talent that was on that stage is huge, the voice is majestic and her presence is full of grace and humility. A class act for sure.

Over the weekend, Gary fed me well, bought my cigarettes, entertained me with gentle, loving care and bought me a surprise, a beautiful leather wallet that he felt I needed because mine had seen it's better days. Very interesting, since the one he was replacing was bought years ago by someone else that has a place in my heart.

When I arrived home, I got a call from a "Gary" wanting to know all about my trip and Wynonna's show. And then, this morning the "Gary" that started this Wynonna Journey years ago, called, "how was she, did she sing our song?" Yep she did!

Thanks Wy for being such an inspiration and for being an inspirational part of my journey! If that flaming Redhead of Your's can do that, this Blonde head of mine can do anything, no matter what shade of Blonde it happens to be at the moment!

A very Big Thanks to all My Gary's for loving me so much and showing it! You make me feel very loved! That's a wonderful gift, because the truth is "I Want To Know What Love Is." Thanks for showing me.

Thought for the Day!

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."

— Mahatma Gandhi