The poem below was written for me by my best friend. When she sent it, the tears did flow, she has been with me through it all, and it ain't been easy. When we talked about the poem, she asked me to read it over and over again from a place of "me" writing it to "others" that I love, an exercise to see what popped up for me. I did that, what popped up isn't what I think she was expecting.
Coco and I have a lot of good things in common, we are both Daddy's girls, the youngest in our families, we are both mothers of an only child, Princess Daughters. But, the foundation we stand on looks and feels very different. CoCo grew up feeling very loved and special. I think somethings we learn by example, and if we are lucky when the example hasn't been a good one, we do the work to learn the good lessons on our own. I know what it feels like to live with the feeling (because of their chooses) that everything was more important to my Mother and Father than I was. I also know what it feels like to make your child feel that way. Hopefully, my child didn't feel that for long, it certainly wasn't ever true, she is the most important person in my life. The result of feeling like everything is more important to your parents then you are, is thinking they must be right, everyone has more value than me. Living with that feeling, doesn't give you the foundation to take a stand for yourself. Only in taking a stand for Yourself do you find the strength and courage to take a stand for another. What the poem says to me is that CoCo had to "be" who she really is to take a "stand" for me. She took a stand for me by being herself.
I think some would say that after my divorce I took a stand for my daughter by raising her the way I did. But, there was nothing about that stand that was difficult or what I would consider "marching into hell." I never felt like I missed out or gave up anything to raise her the way I did and, as evidenced by who she is in the world, I think I broke the cycle of the feelings I had from my parents, she takes very good care of herself.
In the final analysis, I've never been tested the way I tested my best friend. The last few years have been all about "Introspection" for me. I'm no longer angry or hurt by the lack of love I felt growing up, or the love I rejected in my life because I didn't feel loveable. I'm no longer angry or hurt by the damage I caused myself and others during these last few years. I had to go through all I went through to be where I am today. I now know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally and I hope that if I'm ever tested like she was by me, I'll show up and be all that I can be. That's the amazing gift my CoCo gave me.
Here's the poem, what pops up for you? I'm eager for Act II!
Introspection – Act I
I have felt the tears as they ebb and they flow
I have seen the madness as it comes and it goes
Sometimes I Lived your Life
Sometimes I had to Live Mine
There were days I know I loved you more
Maybe I shouldn’t have at the time
There were those moments that tested my soul
Some Soaring high – Others leaving me cold
I’ll remember those days and remember them well
I know how it feels to march into hell
To have the freedom you want
Start with “to be”
To find you…I had to find me
May 1, 2006
To Meemo with love from CoCo
2 comments:
I'm not even sure what to say about this blog entry, except that I am speechless. I just wanted you to know that I read this and took it all in. I'm so sorry for the bruises left on your soul by your parents, those are not at all bruises left on me.
This does make me think about something my friend Babs said to me once, though. She said, "No matter what, we're going to f*ck up our kids. It's just a matter of how and to what degree." Well, maybe I don't agree that everyone truly f*cks up their kids, but we all leave our mark, it's just to what degree that mark disallows that child to grow into a self-confident, mature, peaceful adult.
I believe that you have left some marks with me. I won't deny that and I don't think you will either. But I also think those marks come from the bruises left on you and because you have done the work to heal your bruises, my marks are less severe and they will be even less for my kids and my kids' kids and so on. The cycle has definitely been weakened tremendously. I will say that it doesn't take away the hurt to find the source and to have an understanding of it, but it definitely puts it into perspective. And perspective is everything for me...
All this to say, I am so glad you have come to terms with all that you have been put through, have put yourself through and put others through. Your bruises are healing and you are now able to fully appreciate yourself for the intelligent, funny, charismatic, beautiful creature that God intends you to be.
I think I'll call you my Mia Butterfly. Can you see your wings?
You are a magnificient creature!
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