Listen!

For most of my life, I've had a difficult and strained relationship with my Mother. While that relationship is much better these days, I constantly find that the qualities I look for in my friends are not qualities my Mother possesses.

This morning, after arriving at the shop, my sister looked at me and said "You're troubled about something, let's smoke!"

Me - "I had a conversation with Mom last night and I was not kind to her and that always bothers me." Her - "What was it about?" Me - "Well, what it was about really isn't the issue, it's about a life long struggle that exists in my relationship with her. Either she doesn't listen to me when I talk or she chooses to ignore what I say and it makes me angry and it hurts my feelings."

My sister sympathized with me, she gets it, her issues with our Mother are even bigger than mine. After that conversation, I continued to sit outside smoking, alone. Thinking where did I get that "I want what I want or I'll have nothing at all" attitude that runs through me? (My mother is once again trying to fill-up my home with other peoples stuff, after being told over and over again "I want what I want and if it's not what I want, I'll have nothing!!!!!) Where did that come from? Why has it always meant so much to me to have what I want or have nothing? When I started listening to myself, the answer came and made me laugh out loud, it's the answer to so much of who I am and what I choose. And, I have my Mother to thank for that.

For many years, my Mother's best friend, Dorothea a/k/a/ Dottie, I called her Aunt Dottie, was a big part of my life. Aunt Dottie was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, tall, jet black hair, huge blue eyes, classy, fun, looked like an ice princess but had the personality of a dancehall girl. Her looks truly were deceiving, that cool, glamourous exterior and a furnace raging inside. Aunt Dottie was the person I wanted to be like. On summer vacations, when I came to visit my Mother, Aunt Dottie would take me, at least once and sometime two or three time, shopping at one of the finest stores in town (she didn't have a daughter, so I was her surrogate, she had two sons). We would walk in the back of the store, Aunt Dottie would hand me her credit card and say "Go get anything and everything you want Kid!!!!!! Aunt Dottie would head to be cocktail lounge in the back of the store to drink with the ranchers and oilmen who were drinking while their wives are girlfriends shopped. And I would buy anything and everything I wanted, she never complained about how much I bought or how much I spent, when I shared my purchases with her, you would have thought She was going to be the one wearing those thing she would get so excited! Those times were the only times in my childhood when I was given that much freedom and, I loved every minute of it. Since then, I've surrounded myself with "other Dottie's". The first being my friend Carol whose middle name actually is "Dorothea" (if she reads this she will kill me for revealing that, she hates that name). Since Aunt Dottie, my nearest and dearest girlfriends have been friends that were always willing to support me in getting what I want, right up to my CoCo, whom, even though Dorothea plays no part in her given name, is a bit Dottie! He!He!

And so, while sitting listening to myself, I got something big for that upset with my Mother. The quote for the day!!!!!

Listen to yourself. Listen to how you express yourself to others. Listen to what you say and how you say it. Listen to what you don't say when you could or should say something that could be uplifting to another. Listen to your heart and intuition. Listen to your attitude, feelings, and opinions. Listen to what your body tells you. Listen very carefully to that 'still small voice' within. Leaders listen to themselves very carefully, and then they earnestly and respectfully listen to the impact they have on others. Leaders pay attention and look for ways to effect others in a positive way."

-- Lloyd Thomas


God Bless the Dotties of My World! I thank you with all my heart!!!!!!!

The cycle of life!

Every person that passes through our lives makes a contribution to our life stories. There are those who play large roles and make deep impressions, but sometimes a brief special appearance before life takes them in another direction creates a meaningful connection. It is a rare gift when they suddenly reappear in our lives after a long absence.

Ok, Ok, I'll blog. . .

My days are so busy these days that I cherish my nights more than ever. Sorry for not taking the time to blog. I had no idea the number of people who read my blog. The last few days I've receive several email asking "Why aren't you blogging? I go there everyday to see what you have to say, so blog please." Are words to that effect.

I'll try to be a better blogger, or give it up completely. Stay tuned.

Here's a brief summary of what's up in my life. My new dream is set to take flight on August 1st. Some of you know all about it, other's know nothing and until flight time arrives, I'm not talking!! I'm busy, busy, busy, working at the family shop, educating myself about my new venture and creating, creating, creating!!!!!

That's all the blog time I have for now. Hope all of you have a wonderful July 4th!!! Independence Day! Kris once said "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." But, our Freedom is the most precious thing we could ever lose!

More Blinks

After writing that last post, while sitting outside in the rain, reflecting on, not only how my life is different, but on how I am different, I felt compelled to post again.

Last night, my Precious Princess Daughter called me, we had just spoken a short time before so it was a surprise to hear her voice again. "Mom, I know you are watching "Cold Case" (everyone that knows me knows on Sunday night, the world stops while I watch "60 Minutes" and "Cold Case") but do you have a minute to talk?" I always have time for her! The Princess begins to tell me of an unpleasant conversation she just had with her father's wife. I listened very intently, expressed my sorrow over that conversation and when she had talked it all out, we hung up.

I spent several years of my life recently being a "Cold Case" myself, unfeeling, uncaring, unconscious!!!! I'm no longer a "Cold Case." I called the Princess back - "I'm going to call your father first thing in the morning, my anger is mounting and he's going to hear the full blaze of emotions I'm feeling from that woman talking to you like that!!!!!!" We got off the phone again. The Princess called me back "Mom, I think it would be best if you didn't call, although I appreciate the offer and your anger over the situation. But, I don't want it to turn into a whole big episode." The Princess has always been the cooler head of the two of us.

The phone calls lasted until the very end of "Cold Case." I agreed not to make that call, but I still want to. As I was lying on my bed reviewing the phone calls in my head, "Cold Case" ended with the song "I Hope You'll Dance."

Princess, I'm no longer a "Cold Case" and I'm dancing, as you requesting a few years ago! And, if that woman ever talks to you like that again, right after I knock her out "Cold" I'll be "Dancing" on her head!!!

A Blink of the Eye!

And so it goes. . . I've spent all of my life being my "Father's Daughter." Always believing that because that was such a special treat, I couldn't also be my "Mother's Daughter, my "Sister's Sister" and my "Brother's Sister". Here I am, hopefully only half way through my life and I've become all of the above without even trying. In the blink of an eye, my life has totally changed. After years of only being involved in the family business a tiny bit and always believing I never wanted to be involved at all. I now spend my days with My Mother, My Sister and one of My Brothers!!!!!! Working in the family business and pursuing my own dream at the same time! My relationships with all of them has changed, for the better. I never thought of my Mother as a "nester" but she certainly gets a smile on her face every morning when she sees 3 of her 4 chicks here. My Sister and I are becoming respectful friends, instead of tolerating sibling. Even my Brother, who I've always believed felt more than a little threatened by my appearance in his life at the age of six, has become a comrade. My days have gone from using my brain power to using my physical and creative side.

There is this amazing thing that has always happened in my life. The instant I start towards actually fulfilling a dream I have in my head, things just appear to support my dream. It's happening again, I'm actively pursuing a dream and what I need is appearing.

It's amazing how many gifts you can find to be grateful for if you allow yourself to see with different eyes.

Busy Days and Busy Nights

Haven't had time to blog lately and I don't have time now! Blog Soon! Here's to new advertures!

Coming From and Going To. . .

Today has been a day of quiet, peacefulness. A gentle, swaying day. Being in my favorite place in the world right now, my bedroom, which is like being in a treehouse, it's am amazing feeling to come from a place of being alone because you couldn't manage to be with others because of the turmoil swirling in your head, to a place of being alone and being grateful for every minute of it.

Wisdom for the day.

The change that has been the most significant in my life these last few years, is my new attitude of cherishing myself, my thoughts and dreams, a feeling of being valuable in the world.

"You must be the change you wish to create in the world."

-- Gandhi

I've walked through the darkest time in my life and I've learned so many things about my fellow man. I never knew that there were people in the world, whom, while acknowledging that they knew you were suffering and sick, would beat you up for it anyway. I never knew there were those in the world who are so desperate for attention, so very empty inside, that they will assault and damage to gain attention for their vacant souls. But, as the Dalai Lama acknowledges, I learned the most from those that stood against me.

In my own experience, the period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life. ...Through a difficult period, you can learn, you can develop inner strength, determination, and courage to face the problem. Who gives you this chance? Your enemy.

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

And to those who stood for me without desire or insistence, thank you for the little bit of heaven we now share in happy stillness!

"To be content in bliss without desire or insistence anywhere, this is heaven; to be together in happy stillness."

-- D. H. Lawrence

Happy Memorial Day to All. God Bless America and each and every one of You!

What's your future going to be?

If you want to know the past, to know what has caused you, look at yourself in the present, for that is the past’s effect. If you want to know your future, then look at yourself in the present, for that is the cause of the future.

-Majjhima Nikaya

Something Good is always available if you look for it.

I recently left a job working with a group of people that I felt absolutely not relatedness to. That job began, last year, with a trial that lasted 2 weeks in Dallas, Texas. That trial, the absolute attention trial requires and being in the Courtroom those long days gave me the opportunity to step outside of myself and take a look around. Something I had been needing to do for a few years. It also gave me the opportunity to spend time with my child while being a close to normal person, something she hadn't seen in me for a while. The trial didn't go well and we lost the case. But, over the two week period, I became close to our client's father. A wonderful man, the father of 6 (5 girls, 1 boy). Conrad Bryan was one of the good things that came out of my time at that office I didn't like. Since I left that job, he and I have continued to correspond by email. He sent me the following and I wanted to share it with all of you out there that helped me and, are still helping me get untangled!


The Whale

If you read the front page story of the SF Chronicle, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crabtraps and lines.

She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a line tugging in her mouth.

A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farralone Islands (outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help.

Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her ...

a very dangerous proposition.

One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer.

They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her. When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles.

She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them,
pushed gently around-she thanked them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives.

The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.

May you, and all those you love, be so blessed and fortunate .. to be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you. And, may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude.

I pass this on to you, my friends, in the same spirit.

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day, A Tribute to the Mothers of My Life

Waking up this morning of course, I was thinking about my Mother and my Child. My thoughts of those two people are so different that it sometimes startles me. I also realized something I did yesterday, not as a conscious act, it just seemed to happen, connected me with two Mothers that have a special place in my life. I made a couple of phone calls that resulted in having conversations with the two Mothers, that weren't my biological mother, but were my Mothers nonetheless. Grandma Helen and Granny Doris! Being raised by a Grandmother who had a only child, a son, and who wasn't much of a girlie girl herself, my early lessons of being a girl were taught by Granny Doris. Granny Doris is 80-something, (she doesn't tell anyone her age); and is still the girliest girl I know. As a teenager and a young adult Grandma Helen took center stage. I think I'm beginning to understand for the first time where all the parts of me truly came from.

My Grandmother was, what my sister and I call a "shadowy person." Very unto herself, self-contained, sure that anything that needed to be done, she could do best. Not an egotistical stance, a stance taken out of necessity, the necessity of her only son showing up on her door step with three of his four children for her to help him raise; she was in her mid-sixties. She did a marvelous job. She saw to it that we were well clothed, well fed and well educated. What I didn't realize until today, she is also responsible for that part of me enjoys being alone, my being really happy with one really good black dress and, most of all, my understand that when I'm being who I really am, I do whatever has to be done to get to where I want to go. I miss my Grandmother! But, all I really have to do is take a minute, focus on my daughter and there she is, Zelma in a new generation. Claireeee, Zelme Me, Zelma You, and proud of it!

Granny Doris, the mother of my best friend from elementary school, who is still such a big part of my life. My legs and underarms got saved in her bathtub for the first time, my eyebrows plucked on her black leather couch. Granny Doris is one of the most sensual women I've ever known. While parading around the house late at night (checking to make sure we were alright) in her shortie nighty, she taught me that sex between a man and a woman is a precious experience, never something to be embarrassed or ashamed of. She also taught me that something covered up was far sexier than something exposed for the world to see. Those shortie nighties of her's were always the perfect length to ignite the imagination.

Grandma Helen, the most patient person I have ever known! Talk about being tested! I'm sure she doesn't see it that way though. Her rules were few, but you certainly knew when you had violated one of the few. The closest I can come to what she was like, the mother in "Moonstruck." Never shy about her feelings, but she never wasted a turn on something that didn't matter. A lesson I learned and used many times while raising my daughter. Most of the time, if I was yelling it was important, scary or was causing unnecessary fear. My lecture from Grandma Helen yesterday? In her New York, Polish manner, "Stop smoking and do it now and come see me!" Ok Grandma, I'll work on that!

And then, there's the Mother that actually gave me life! As much as I hate to admit it, she's always been there for me when I truly needed her. But, like me, she shows up in her own way, not necessarily the way I want her to or the way "society" says she should. Nope, she's certainly her own person, unique, one of a kind! Hmmmm, as much as I've fought it I think she did leave a good thing or two on me! I think I've just realized that I need to leave her alone, stop making her bad and wrong for just being who she is. My commitment from this day forward is to show the same respect and love for her that I want her to show to me! I'm truly grateful that she is who she is, if she wasn't, the Spice that is alive and well in me that I got from the other Mothers of my life would not be alive in me and I wouldn't be the me that there is so much about that I Love. Thanks Mom! I've struggled with my own insides long enough, I'm going to be me and I'm going to do the same for You, I'll let you be You.

To all the Mothers in my Life, whether you are mentioned above or not, Happy Mother's Day! And to my "Zelman Like" Precious Princess Daughter, thank you for making me a Mother and for being a daughter that I am so very proud of!

Thump, thump, thumping along, we'll keep singing our songs!

Yesterday, I received a phone call from a very, very close friend. Another one of those people who has been there for me through it all, for reasons that I can't even imagine, he has been there. We are the most unlikely, likely pair. We can spend hours talking about nothing, sharing our storys, our love for music, the similarities and the differences in our lives and the love we both have for laughter. When we are in the same room, it's like sitting in an overstuffed easy chair. The comfort his presence brings to me is amazing and I have a difficult time keeping my hands off of him, but lovers we have chosen not to be, that would get in the way of us sharing each others escapades. Because of geography, most of our relationship has been about hearing each others' voice on the phone. When I hear his voice, my world lights up, whether its on my voice mail where he's left a silly message or me answering and knowing that the next hour or two will be filled with giggles and maybe even a few tears.

Yesterday was no different except for the fact that the tears usually come when we are deep into a conversation, not from the opening sentence. My friend found out yesterday, he has cancer. It has been caught in the early stages and the tumors already removed, the hope was that no maligency would be found, unfortunately it was there. Now, the treatment begins. What lies ahead for me is being there for my favorite easy chair. And so, in keeping with the nature of our relationship, I dried my tears and started telling stories "remember the night we did. . . remember the time that he did. . ." Gales of laughter rocked our hearts, we've shared alot of fun. I'll be there for him through his dark days like he was for me, we'll share our tears and we'll laugh until we've dried each others tears. I'll slay the dragons with him, no matter what it takes, I'm not ready to miss him or give up all the smiles he brings to my face!

I love you Thumper!

Introspection - Act II

Below is Introspection - Act II, here are my thoughts!

When I read it for the first time yesterday, because of the personal relationship I share with the author, my reaction was sorrowful and a bit sweet. While I know there was a time when she could have been lamenting about me, I know this time she isn't. It's sweet to know that the part of me that would provoke these words is no longer present. Sorrowful because I know of what she speaks. Though I hope I never again do anything to cause the emotions that were churning within her when she wrote these words, to save her the pain from it being as bad is it can possibly be, I wish in this instant that it was me! But, since it isn't and I hope it never will be, I'll just take a stand to be here any and all the times she needs me, just like she did for me!

Introspection – Act II

It comes creeping along like stealth into the night

It preys upon its victims blindly without sight

Sometimes it woos you and lures you along

Sometimes it sings a lovely siren’s song

There are days you don’t notice – living carefree
There are days you want to die - nevermore to be

Again, those moments that test my very being

How could I have loved you without ever seeing?

I dance with the notion that perhaps it’s not real

But deep within my core, that’s not how I feel

Trust evades me, again and again

Truth is elusive, no longer my friend

It shackles, it binds, and it mortally wounds my soul

The lie easily escapes your lips and my heart goes on the dole

May 12, 2006

CoCo’s Lament

Boy is this one true!

“Greatness is not found in possessions, power, position, prestige, or specific outcomes over discrete intervals of time. It is discovered in goodness, humility, service, and character in every step of the journey, over the long haul.”

-- William Arthur Ward

I never thought I'd live to see the day that I would relate to this quote!

If I had my life to live over...I'd dare to make more mistakes next time.

-Nadine Stair

But, on so many levels, I can relate to it. I might have learned the lessons without the mistakes, but I don't really think so, and I certainly wouldn't have learned them as quickly. I'm very grateful for all the very difficult lessons I have learned.

On and On We Go!

Over And Over Again Having The Same Experiences. . .

There are times in our lives when it seems like we keep having the same kinds of experiences. The situation or the people involved may be different each time, yet one experience may feel exactly like the last one and the one before that one. Perhaps we left a job where we were unhappy and we find ourselves experiencing similar challenges in our new job. A relationship with a new romantic partner may start to seem a lot like our old relationship and the problems that we thought we had left behind. We may feel disappointed or frustrated and wonder why the same situations and people keep showing up in our lives. The truth is that the same kinds of experiences don't keep happening to us. After all, the circumstances and the people involved are always different. We keep having the same kinds of experiences.

Subconsciously, there is great value to be had in experiencing life in the same ways until we are ready to have different experiences. Perhaps we feel unworthy of happiness, or worry that we can't get a break. Our experiences tend to reflect what we believe about life. After all, most of us don't like to be proven wrong. We may even derive satisfaction in being right or experience a sense of safety every time we confirm to ourselves that we know the way the world works. We may choose a relationship partner who we think is very different from our last significant other and hope that this time love will turn out differently. Yet as long as we hold whatever beliefs we have that limit the good we can experience in our relationships, we will create the same dynamic.

We bring ourselves, our behaviors and our beliefs to every situation. If we can figure out which of these are no longer serving us, we can consciously change, make new choices, and start having new kinds of experiences that are in line with what we want in life.

The continuing journey

Being peaceful is, quite often, difficult in the world we live in, but mostly because we choose not to be peaceful within ourselves. Finding peace within is a challenging but incredible journey. I now am able to much more often attain inter-peace thanks to the steadying influences I have in my life and all the reading and introspection I've done on my own. Below is a quote from a Vietnamese Zen Monk who is also a Christian. Contrary to popular belief it is possible to be a practicing Buddhist and believe in God. I've read almost everything he has written and I dream about one day going on a retreat to one of the centers he has created. His teachings have, on many days, comforted me and pointed me in a better direction.

If we are peaceful, if we are happy, we can smile and blossom like a flower, and everyone in our family, our entire society, will benefit from our peace.
-Thich Nhat Hanh, "Being Peace"
From "365 Buddha: Daily Meditations,"

Hmmmmmmmm!

Defiled by passion, the mind is not released. Defiled by ignorance, discernment does not develop. Thus from the fading of passion is there release of awareness. From the fading of ignorance is there release of discernment.

-Anguttara Nikaya


What does this quote say to You?

Harking Back, Taking Responsibility and Moving Forward

"It is shining the light that one has in a more positive, meaningful direction, and accepting, valuing, and respecting the light that shines into one's private world." - Kram

The Prism Award win has drawn my focus to the artist whom I've always referred to as "My Elvis." What "My Elvis" means to me is, that guy that you think will make things right and good. It can be the boy next door, the captain of the football team, or a Rock Star. For me, it was the Rock Star. At the age of sixteen when I saw "Three Dog Night" for the very first time, it was the first time I felt the excitement of instant attraction, not only to the music but also to the guy with the mustache. The attraction is still alive and well today (something I've spent a whole lot of time denying).

This morning, while reading Chuck's Guest Book, disturbing feelings appeared. I'm prouder of Chuck's solo success than words can tell. I always knew he was the best of the best and he was the heart and soul of "Three Dog Night" for me. I remember back in 1998, "Three Dog Night" was playing in my town, Chuck asked me to go see them. I went, with my sister, who was always a Cory Girl. Out of respect for her, I suffered in silence until she finally said "Let's get out of here, I've had enough!" The show wasn't good, neither of us enjoyed it. Even though that was the case, I didn't want to tell Chuck I felt that way. The show they were doing was an insult to my history and his, damaging to my memories of that group that had always meant so much to me. No one wants their history to show up badly. From that moment on, my conviction became "I never want him to work with those people again, he can do better and be better on his own without them." But, I'm puzzled by what Chuck is now doing.

The discussion about fans being disappointed after going to a "Three Dog Night" show and not seeing Chuck and the "Hall Monitor" making a point of the fact that the shows being billed as "Blood, Sweat and Tears with Special Guest" making more money then "Three Dog Night" is absurd, ridiculous and should be more than a little bit embarrassing to Chuck Negron considering what's going on in his career now. After years of a successful solo career, it now seems that Chuck and his management think that more money is all that matters. And, since the name "Blood, Sweat and Tears" is evidently more valuable then the very successful solo career Chuck had built, its ok to deceive the "Blood, Sweat & Tears" fans and the rest of the public with the shows that are being done. It would appear that its ONLY money that matters, not truth and honesty in artistry. That sucks!

How do you think the fans of "Blood, Sweat and Tears" who are going to buy tickets to see that show only to find that it is Not "Blood, Sweat and Tears" at all and that they have been totally deceived are going to feel? They will be buying tickets to see a whole lot less of "Blood, Sweat & Tears" then the fans that buy tickets to see "Three Dog Night". The group being sold as "Blood, Sweat & Tears" is only a couple of guys tooting horns, no one else in the line up ever had anything to do with "Blood, Sweat & Tears." In addition, if you go to the websites of the venues where those shows are going to be, what you will find is not a picture one of the lineup of what is being called "Blood, Sweat & Tears" because its NOT "Blood, Sweat & Tears" and Chuck's management doesn't want to the public to know that so, no pictures please. Pretty amazing when you consider the posts on Chuck's Guest Book and the attitude about "Three Dog Night." Also pretty amazing when you consider the great strides Chuck made in creating a solo career, only now to be part of the bogus show being visited upon the public and the fans of "Blood, Sweat & Tears."

What bothers me the most on a personal level is, I can hear Danny and Cory laughing their heads off making comments like "Oh, he can't be in 'Three Dog Night' so he'll pretend to be 'Blood, Sweat & Tears'. Chuck has to pretend to be someone other than who he is to beat us!" The most amazing part of all, way back when, in 1989, Danny and Cory filed a Temporary Restraining Order against Chuck for using the billing "Chuck Negron, formerly of Three Dog Night." They were scared to death over Chuck even appearing in the public even with that billing, they know who the best is. Evidently though, being "formerly of" wasn't enough for Chuck or his management, he has to now be "Special Guest" of a phony "Blood, Sweat & Tears" just to make a few more bucks. That sucks even bigger!

Everyone that knows me knows I love quotes. The old-standard that comes instantly to mind in this situation is "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." The current lineup of "Three Dog Night" is Not the lineup of history and the current line up of "Blood, Sweat & Tears" is Not "Blood, Sweat & Tears" at all. Is it ok for Chuck to make more money by doing shows with a "pretend" B,S&T but it's not ok for Cory, Danny, Michael and Jimmy to make a living off of a history they truly played a part in because Chuck's not there? If you can think that's ok, you are capable of more arrogance than I.

And now, to address the above quote and why I used it. When you've been in a place of being full of fear from your own actions, your own words and your own life, it's an amazing thing when the fear disappears and you are no longer fearful of stating your opinion and being fully willing to take responsibility for that opinion by expressing it in an open forum. I'm at that place. I have a light shining in my life that was missing for a very long time. That light is the light of telling the truth no matter what the consequences. Being fearful, deceitful, pretending or telling lies has no place in my existence. If the truth causes pain, so be it. I've always loved the music of "Three Dog Night," and even more, the solo career of Chuck Negron. The deceit being visited on "Blood, Sweat & Tears" fans, the public and Chuck having any part of that makes me want to scream in pain. Which is what I think I just did! The quote "To Thine Own Self Be True" actually comes from a line from Shakespeare. I've always found it interesting that the entire line is never used because what it actually says is "To thine own self be true, then thou can't not be true to any man." In my opinion, Chuck Negron is not being true to who he really is nor to any man when he shows up as a "Special Guest" of a phony "Blood, Sweat & Tears."

Who is Chuck for me? The best, the most talented and My Elvis. He doesn't need to pretend, I don't understand why he's agreed to be part of that make believe.

Introspection

The poem below was written for me by my best friend. When she sent it, the tears did flow, she has been with me through it all, and it ain't been easy. When we talked about the poem, she asked me to read it over and over again from a place of "me" writing it to "others" that I love, an exercise to see what popped up for me. I did that, what popped up isn't what I think she was expecting.

Coco and I have a lot of good things in common, we are both Daddy's girls, the youngest in our families, we are both mothers of an only child, Princess Daughters. But, the foundation we stand on looks and feels very different. CoCo grew up feeling very loved and special. I think somethings we learn by example, and if we are lucky when the example hasn't been a good one, we do the work to learn the good lessons on our own. I know what it feels like to live with the feeling (because of their chooses) that everything was more important to my Mother and Father than I was. I also know what it feels like to make your child feel that way. Hopefully, my child didn't feel that for long, it certainly wasn't ever true, she is the most important person in my life. The result of feeling like everything is more important to your parents then you are, is thinking they must be right, everyone has more value than me. Living with that feeling, doesn't give you the foundation to take a stand for yourself. Only in taking a stand for Yourself do you find the strength and courage to take a stand for another. What the poem says to me is that CoCo had to "be" who she really is to take a "stand" for me. She took a stand for me by being herself.

I think some would say that after my divorce I took a stand for my daughter by raising her the way I did. But, there was nothing about that stand that was difficult or what I would consider "marching into hell." I never felt like I missed out or gave up anything to raise her the way I did and, as evidenced by who she is in the world, I think I broke the cycle of the feelings I had from my parents, she takes very good care of herself.

In the final analysis, I've never been tested the way I tested my best friend. The last few years have been all about "Introspection" for me. I'm no longer angry or hurt by the lack of love I felt growing up, or the love I rejected in my life because I didn't feel loveable. I'm no longer angry or hurt by the damage I caused myself and others during these last few years. I had to go through all I went through to be where I am today. I now know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally and I hope that if I'm ever tested like she was by me, I'll show up and be all that I can be. That's the amazing gift my CoCo gave me.

Here's the poem, what pops up for you? I'm eager for Act II!

Introspection – Act I

I have felt the tears as they ebb and they flow
I have seen the madness as it comes and it goes

Sometimes I Lived your Life
Sometimes I had to Live Mine

There were days I know I loved you more
Maybe I shouldn’t have at the time

There were those moments that tested my soul
Some Soaring high – Others leaving me cold

I’ll remember those days and remember them well
I know how it feels to march into hell

To have the freedom you want
Start with “to be”

To find you…I had to find me

May 1, 2006
To Meemo with love from CoCo

Quote for the Day and a Good Message Indeed

By telling the truth;
by not growing angry;
by giving, when asked,
no matter how little you have:
by these three things
you enter the presence of devas.